It's been a long time, ladies and gents, but the beloved Mile High Hockey institution, Avalanche Stuff Watch™, is back in business!
This time, it's the baby edition. My sister
is giving birth any day now gave birth today (true story), and I've been shopping around looking for Avalanche-related items for my new niece. Sure, neither my sister nor my brother-in-law are Avalanche fans, and the baby won't know a puck from a poopy diaper for at least a year or so, but what kind of uncle would I be if I didn't spread the Burgundy and Blue around the fam?
First up, we've got a variety of apparel choices. By far the best option is this creeper (with bib!) that makes the new Avalanche jerseys from RBK Edge look pathetic in comparison. Why do babies get to look good (for only $19.99) but the team has to look so freakin' ridiculous?
This cute little onesie would be the perfect gift for my new niece except that her father isn't a big Avs fan (he's a nice guy otherwise). To make up for that small discrepancy, I'll just use a Sharpie and change "Daddy" to "Uncle." What little kid wouldn't want to wear something so expertly modified? And with an opening price of $7.99, it's impossible to pass up. The Sharpie costs almost more than that.
With winter on the way, the kid could use a little extra protection against the elements. Why not this cute-as-a-button hooded number? Sure, it's used, and sure, it's probably not worth the $4.99 opening price, but I never denied being a total cheapskate.
And, speaking of protection (which somebody obviously failed to use), remember that baby's heads are very soft and fragile. To protect the little bundle of joy, how about a miniature hockey helmet, complete with Avalanche logo? True, it's not technically made to be worn, but I'm sure with a little effort and a lot of baby oil, my sister can get the thing over my little niece's skull. And she better, because that thing is going to run me $29.99.
While we're improvising, bear in mind that before long the little tike will be moving around on her own. Sure, it might be a little tacky, but there's no better way to keep a kid on a leash than with a leash! And what better to use as a leash than an Avalanche lanyard keychain? For just $4.95, how can you say no? How?
Finally, a new baby calls for a celebration! If I was having a kid right now, I know I'd want to be totally plastered. What better way to facilitate heavy drinking than Avalanche-themed Coors Light beer glasses? Nothing says "oh my god my life is over" like a new baby and fifteen quickly-downed glasses of cold beer. And if you've got decent taste, the beer will cost you more than the $7.99 price of the glasses. Cheers!