FanPost

Performance metrics of tomorrow: Douchi, Shootmi

As Corsi becomes universally embraced, I find it necessary to invent new metrics for us to yell at each other about.  Here are two I am currently working on.

 

Douchi ratings.

Douchi ratings are calculated by the number of Douchi acts for which a player is on the ice, but of which the player was not the direct instigator.  Douchi acts are presumed to have a positive correlation to overall winning percentage.  Thus, the team that initiates the Douchi act receives a +1 for each player on the ice except the actual initiator of the act.  This prevents the actual Douchi act initiator from benefitting directly from his Douchi act but still rewards teams for perpetuating a climate of Douchiness.  Thus Douchi ratings are primarily a team stat even though a team raises its rating by procuring players of extremely high Douchiness.  This explains how bertuzzi, mccarty, Pronger, and Avery types remain appealing to teams who accentuate the Douchi.  Aberrant data such as Rob Blake’s late career spike in Douchiness is referred to as “luck” because it would otherwise reflect poorly on my metric.

Many people do not understand the Douchi, so I will endeavor to explain how it is calculated.  As stated before, the most important stat is the number of Douchi acts per team.  However, the Douchi ratings' validity is enhanced by accounting for several relevant factors.  Their overall effect is multiplied by the following factors: Shots (S), Time on ice (T), Flagrancy (F) and  Unfuckingbelievability (U). For those of you too stupid to understand the Douchi rating or those who insist on viewing the sport through the plebeian mindset of a sports fan this formula is most simply expressed this way:

Douchi=STFU

 

Shootmi metric

I am currently working on a metric (Shootmi) that calculates productivity in an accounting firm and correlates it to the degree of excitement that would be experienced by anyone who watched a similarly rated group of participants in a (theoretical) but active, fast-moving, non-mathematical context where outcomes are not entirely determined by numbers and have tangible results.  While the formulas themselves are laughably simple for someone of my intellect, I am struggling with the theoretical concept of a context that isn’t entirely governed by numbers as no such place exists in the real world.  Thus, my staggeringly important work, is being incessantly undermined by its inapplicability which I express as “luck”.

MileHighHockey.com is a fan community, allowing members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Colorado Avalanche and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editors of MileHighHockey.com.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Mile High Hockey

You must be a member of Mile High Hockey to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Mile High Hockey. You should read them.

Join Mile High Hockey

You must be a member of Mile High Hockey to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Mile High Hockey. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9355_tracker