Intervention: Kyle Quincey

I'd like to welcome everyone here, and say first of all, we're all here because we care about you Kyle, and everyone wants to see you get better.

Now Kyle, the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. We're going to share some facts and statistics with you, to help illustrate that your problems are not merely our opinion, but the sad, suffocating fact that you suck. We believe this will aid in your comprehension of the issues plaguing your game.

In 18 games this season you have 0 points. That means your on pace for....zero points. Your average points per game will be: nothing. Now, this isn't to say you haven't been putting pucks in nets. You've skill-less-ly redirected at least two shots from the opposition past your own netminders, so maybe we can try to look at this as a glass half-full scenario. But honestly, you're sucking some serious ass out there. Your -4 is tied for lowest on the team. You have become a liability, an eyesore, and a burden to your friends, family, and fans.

Now, your friend David Driscoll-Carignan would like to share with you how your suckage is affecting him. David?

"A year ago, I was being bullied at school by Shawn McGillicutty. He would always steal my lunch money and then locked me upside down in my locker. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I told Shawn McGillicutty that I was good friends with Kyle Quincey and that he was a bad mother fucker and that if he didn’t stop pushing me around, I would have Kyle Quincey go to his house and beat the snot out of him AND his dad. That lasted for about a month, and then Shawn McGillicuty finally watched an Avalanche game (no blackout that time!). Well, Shawn McGillicutty saw that Kyle Quincey wasn’t a bad mother fucker after all. The next morning, he laughed and laughed and laughed when he stole my lunch money and hung me upside down in my locker". ~ David

More intervention after the jump.....

This wasn't always the case! Our glorious Avalanche saw the value in your game, and let go a likable player in Ryan Smyth to receive your services. And for the first half of last year, you really took the sting out of the departure of Cap'n Canada (and the painful arrival of Tom Pressing). But after about the mid-point of the season, you began using - or getting used - on a regular basis. What happened?

Ms. Beachie, please elaborate.

Kyle was, well I will just be honest...straight out hot. The guy was a bad mother effer and watching him...well, you get the idea.  I didn't tell anyone what I thought about him cuz I adore Sandie and I knew he was hers. But then he just wasn't himself. He avoided people - especially guys who needed to be set straight - people he used to send to the benches when they got in the way. And he just sat back and watched everyone else excelling, like he didn't even care if they were better than he was. The worst was that he stood around while all the other guys outplayed him. Even Sandie found someone else. And all he did was grow a stupid mustache - as if that would make him look cool again. I seriously don't know what happened, but it breaks my heart. I mean, where's that bass ass mofo I once knew? Now it seems all he wants to do is run off to the East Coast in search of some Holy Grail or something. I wish he'd come back to us. If he did, who knows...that grail might be within his reach. ~ Beachie

We admit, we are perhaps a bit culpable for the lack of zeal in your play. We didn't demand change. We simply made some passing comments in our best passive-aggressive tone, we avoided direct confrontation, and despite our better judgment, we continued to enable your appalling play, pointing back to the days of the BMF and giving you a pass based on past accomplishments. We apologize for our foolish enabling. It's time for some tough love. Dustin?

Kyle...what does Greg Sherman look like? Describe him for me. Uh huh. Does he look like bitch? I said does he look like a bitch? No? Then why are you trying to fuck him like a bitch, Kyle? Sherman paid you bad mother fucker money but you're not playing like a bad mother fucker. That suggest to me that you don't have proper respect for Greg Sherman. So I'm gonna ask you one more time. Does Greg Sherman look like a bitch? ~ Dustin

No Kyle. Greg Sherman is not a bitch.

But that's how you're treating him, and all of us, after such a promising summer. However, things only got worse after you went away last summer. You came into some cash, signed a nice hefty contract, an ample - and at the time well deserved - raise to $3,125,000 from your modest $525,000 paycheck. You seemed happy, we all thought that this showing of good faith by the Avs would help kick your butt into gear and get yourself cleaned up, but, again, we enabled your addiction to shitty play, and you took a dark turn. 

Derek, please give Kyle a dose of your no nonsense, straight shooter, military style honesty:

Kyle, what can I say man. Things haven't been going the way that we all thought they were going to go lately. I've been a fan of what you came here to do. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it really wasn't...but I think it's time for you to go. I mean, I know that it wont be easy at first, but we both know that it is in both of our best interest. Please, go! Before it becomes even more painful. Wait, before you go, make sure that you stop by Sandie's office on your way out. I think she has something for you. ~ Derek

Sandiee does indeed have something for you Kyle. She is one of your dearest and oldest admirers. Sandie?

"Kyle, I cannot continue to force the MHH family to watch a man, who has given up on life, play. I can see the fear in their faces whenever you come on the ice. If you will not accept treatment today for your lack of heart, I’m going to have to put the welfare of the MHH family first, and start looking at other options. 

I understand that this isn't your fault, and that it is a disease. But it needs to stop, now. You need to seek help!  You are in a safe environment, we want, nay- need you, to succeed. We believe in you, believe that with the proper treatment, you *can* return to the Bad Mother Fucker, that we know, and love.  We will stand behind you while you get the treatment you need, and that, frankly,  we deserve. " ~ Sandie

Well what do you say Kyle? Will you allow yourself to get better? Will you accept the offer for help from your many friends at MHH? Or will you go on, sucking more ass than in all the seats in Pepsi Center?

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Epilogue: From time to time it is the duty of every unpaid hockey blogger to call out a member of his Über-beloved team, in hopes of "helping" that player amend the error of his or her (Tyler Arnason) ways. Today, my keyboard and all it's hate, frustration, and forsaking, is aimed at you Kyle Quincey. But remember Thing #2, I do this because I love you and want you to return to being the BMF we know you can be, not the Detroit discarded waiver-wire piece of shit you once were.