Breaking News: Thousands of Avs Fans Hospitalized

Denver emergency rooms were overwhelmed last night during and after the Colorado Avalanche's epic 6-4 loss to division rival Vancouver Canucks.  Some expected the team itself would have to visit the hospital, or worse, the morgue, but luckily the hole they blew was in their 3-0 lead and not their heads.  

It is yet to be seen if this disastrous loss will cause the death of the '09-'10 Avalanche, but many fans are already feeling the effects.  While the types of injury were many, the most common thing seen by doctors was severely bruised foreheads brought on by five unanswered facepalms.  Some less fortunate fans even gouged out an eye, though it is yet to be seen if that was an accidental side-effect of the high rate of facepalming, or because those fans simply couldn't bare to watch the collapse.

Also common last night were anuerisms brought on by the disbelief that Mikael Samuelson could actually score three goals against the Avalanche in one period.  Victims of that particular catastrophe were often caught only being able to repeat phrase "MIKAEL SAMUELSON?!?  HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE TEAM SWEDEN!!!"   When learning that Samuelson added an assist and was named NHL.com's First Star of the night, three Avs fans fell into comas.

In the days following the Olympics, the team and its fans alike have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  Most fans were in a very exaggerated manic phase of the disease after Colorado's 7-3 win over St. Louis.  Now, however, they have fallen into a deep depression, and are questioning the Avs' ability to make the playoffs, their ability to win important games, and the meaning of life, in general.

Also, many fans who posted in in this HFBoards GDT got severe food poisoning for having to eat their own words.  One such fan, who manipulated a text from the Bible to make fun of the Canucks, was struck by lightning.

Finally, the Avalanche medical staff was busy last night doing the Heimlich maneuver on the entire roster and coaching staff.  Everything went smoothly, though, as the staff doctors have grown accustomed to the team choking in the third period.

If you, or someone close to you, may have been afflicted with any of these Av-related disorders, there are a few easy steps to protecting your health.

1. Compare this year's performance with last year's.  That should cure any depression, and you'll be able to transfer your shame from last night's loss to all those critics who said the Avs would be getting a lottery pick again.

2. When talking to Canuck fans, plug your ears with your 1996 and 2001 Stanley Cup rings.  If it works for Patrick Roy, it can work for you.

3. Look at the next game on the calendar: we're playing the Panthers.  They suck, and there's no way in hell we can lose to them.