Keys to Success - Avs-Cats 3/11/10

Let's face it, the Panthers have been a boring team since one Uwe Krupp's shot heard round Colorado.  They make the playoffs about as often as the Nuggets did pre-Carmelo, and somehow they have completely failed to get an awesome young player in the draft to  reinvigorate the franchise!  The only good thing to come out of Florida since John VanfuckitI'mnotgonnaspellthatshit was Craig Anderson.  And, of course, those gorgeous ice girls which Andy loves to ogle.  Yet looking back at the history books, the Avs somehow managed to lose to this boring squad, thanks largely in part to a Stephen Weiss hat trick.  So, tonight's Keys to Success start with Mr. Weiss himself.

-Shut  Weiss down.  Or convince him to play short stop for the Rockies again, as he once did.

-Score a goal while Keith Ballard is on the ice with Weiss.  Ballard will inevitably try to kill him, as he tried to kill Tomas Voukun earlier this year.

-Remind all the Canadian players on the Cats that they play in Miami, the tip of America's penis.  They will surely all quit and try to migrate north as the spring approaches, or kill themselves.

-Get the crowd roaring: the Panthers won't be used to this, as their home fans are probably all retired people down from Minnesota for the winter.

-Make sure not to be overwhelmed bye the massive amount of 2nd round picks the Panthers have in the upcoming draft.

-Don't be intimidated by the awesome defensive presence of Jay Bouwmeester.  Er....wait...Jordan Leopold...wait wait...ummm...Denis Seidenberg...aaah, wait, I know.  Mathieu Roy.

-Lay shot-blocking-emperor Brett Clark down in front of Bryan McCabe every time he has the puck.  (This is good for long term success, too, as Clark can't POSSIBLY block as many shots as he does without breaking an arm or something.  Just ask Paul Stastny.  Right?  RIGHT?!?)

-Thank the hockey gods that Nathan Horton fractured his tibia whilst eating at Tim Horton's.  Apparently Kyle Wellwood was too engrossed in his donuts and sat on the younger Horton.

-Don't let the Panthers get distracted from their ultimate goal: missing the playoffs ten years in a row.  Almost there, guys!  You can do it!

-And most important of all, DO NOT post any FanPosts saying that the Panthers suck and the Avs couldn't possibly lose this game.  Karma's a bitch.  (Sorry, guys.)