Keys to Success: Avs vs. Canucks 3/9/10

Hi all.  I'm new here, but I've been reading on and off.  I post over at HFBoards, and I was inspired by the Avs-Nucks GDT to create a humorous Keys to Success for tonight's game.  Some of the jokes may be inside jokes at HF, so apologies there.  But I'm going to try to do this here more often, though probably not extensively, as the Nucks are one of my favorite teams to make fun of.  Without further ado...

Tonight's Keys For Success

-Not only do we have to win, we have to win by at least 12 goals so that we can catch up to the Canucks in the Goal Differential category.  Otherwise, standings be damned, we are obviously the inferior team.   

-Establish the manbearpig hat trick: Chris Stewart gets three goals, an assist, a fight, and eats an Orca.  If there's no Orca around, the Canucks resident whale, Kyle Welwood, will do.

-Banish Casper the Center forever: Paul Stastny must get at least five road assists in this game, despite the fact that it's at home, or he won't be worth his contract and will forever be invisible half the season.

-Wojtek Wolski, err, sorry, Peter Mueller needs to stop floating and crash the net.

-We must chase Roberto Luongo, otherwise his new gold medal and shiny new status as an elite goaltender will blind all of our players when they try to shoot.

-After chasing Lou, we must also chase Andrew Raycroft, who inevitably will play his best game of the season against us.

-After chasing "Rayzor", we must also chase Cory Schneider, the best young goalie EVAR.

-Even after we have chased those three god-like beings, we must find a way to score on Canucks uber-prospect Cody Hodgson.  Not only is Sir NHL Ready destined to score a hat trick on us from the confines of his own crease, but he won't allow a single goal against.

-We must properly prepare a plate of crow, cooked medium well, for Adrian Dater.

-We must go back in time to before the trade deadline, and ship Marek Svatos, Darcy Tucker, Ruslan Salei, and Brett Clark for a cocktail of mediocre prospects and mid-to-late round picks, then go forward in time and use our newly acquired pieces to trade up in the draft and pick Taylor Hall.  (That is, of course, assuming that we don't finish 30th anyway.)  After that, we must come back to the present day and ice Hall as the only legit top 6 winger the Avs will ever have again.  Also, if we could get a true-shut-down-number-one-right-handed-shot-for-the-power-play defenseman, that would help, too.

-We must get ALL ICE GIRLS out of Colorado, at the risk of distracting Craig Anderson, our one and only hope against the offensive dynamo that is Mason Raymond.

-We must overcome our greatest disadvantage: the fact that the Canucks will score one goal for every seat that is empty at the Pepsi Center.

-It would help if we could get Brian Burke to tamper with the Canucks during the game.

-We must make sure that Auger is slated to be the ref and that he says something to get under Burrows' skin.

-Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES can we wear our alternate sweaters.  They must be taken out of the Pepsi Center Shop and burned in the parking lot.  Anyone attempting to enter the Can donning a blueberry shall be banished to Nebraska without access to Altitude.  We must immediately put our original alternates back into circulation, and convince the NHL to get rid of the RBK style once and for all.

-We must convince Joe Sakic not to sign with the Canucks, as he has always wanted to do.  It shouldn't be too difficult, as Super Joe wouldn't be accustomed to playing fourth line center behind Welwood.

-And finally, we must hope that Ryan Kessler, who hates all Canadians, will defect to the Avs in the middle of the first period.  Someone stitch up his jersey and have it ready to go.