Another Playoff Preview

DISCLAIMER: The following is all uninformed conjecture and stale jokes and I really know nothing about any of these teams. Please don’t hurt me.

San Jose Sharks (1) vs Colorado Avalanche (8)

You guys may have noticed that once again, the pundits have given our team a shark’s chances of surviving an avalanche to succeed. And that’s just fine. In fact, it may be exactly what our heroes in burgundy and blue need to survive the postseason. Everybody’s seen young teams make improbable runs to the playoffs, only to get complacent and subsequently destroyed (see: Columbus and St Louis, 2009), and the Avs ended the season either letting themselves go into coasting mode or playing a terribly cruel prank on Peter Budaj, of Slovakia. The Young Guns are going to be hearing this relentless media onslaught all the way until Game 1. What better to fire them up so they rise to the occasion?

And seriously, if the veteran presence of warriors like Jeremy Roenick and Claude Lemieux couldn’t save the Sharks last year, what will? Certainly not post-Olympics Evgeni Nabokov, who could be confused for toy store merchandise on account of his choking hazard label. San Jose is fielding an incredible team, but as our last head-to-head game showed, the Avs are capable of outclassing the Sharks with their uptempo style (man, did our Corsi kick ass). A repeat of the domination won’t happen, what with most of our lineup being held together with duct tape, but we’ve got vintage Tucker’s crazy eyes and nothing to lose. I like our odds.

Predictions:

Ryan Wilson will avenge Peter Mueller by unleashing devastating bodychecks that hospitalize every last one of the Sharks players, as well as their team bus.

It will become Pepsi Center tradition to pelt Marc-Edouard Vlasic with pickles every time he screws up.

The Avs will send the Sharks to the driving range after a hard-fought, emotional, action-packed battle that will go down in history as completely fucking legendary. Dany Heatley will then run over Erik Johnson in a golf cart.

Go Avs.

Chicago Blackhawks (2) vs Nashville Predators (7)

The Predators have always been a good bubble team, and this year is no different. Sophomore Patric Hornqvist has turned out pretty good at shooting and goaltender interference, Steve Sullivan played an entire season without his back exploding, and Pekka Rinne became the first Nashville goalie to hold his job for a full season since what seems like forever ago. So it’s pretty unfortunate that they’re matched up against a pretty insane Chicago team. The Blackhawks have built themselves in the mold of the Flyers, which amounts to putting a juggernaut lineup in front of a pylon in net. Antti Niemi may seem reasonably capable of stopping the dozen-or-so shots that his team allows per game, but his 7 shutouts are counterbalanced by 19 (out of 39) games with a sub-.900 save percentage. He’ll spend the series cowering behind the incredible specimen of man that is Duncan Keith.

Speaking of defensemen, both teams have been plagued by injuries to their core position. For Nashville, Denis Grebeshkov is out after being acquired from Edmonton when Shea Weber ran out of silver medal jokes to taunt Ryan Suter with and needed a Russian Olympian to laugh at instead. Chicago is down a $7-million floater and some dude with a girly name, plus Keith’s sidekick was pulverized in a hit that was apparently more dangerous than Matt Cooke’s blindside takeout of Marc Savard. I’m assuming the Brent Seabrook who’s been playing is a robot, and the real guy is in a coma somewhere.

Predictions:
Patrick Kane will bring exact change wherever he goes.

Nobody in Nashville will even come close to being able to pronounce ‘Toews’, ‘Byfuglien’, and ‘Hjalmarsson’.

In the end, I like Chicago to win this one, mostly because the Curse of Hossa requires them to be taken down in the Finals, whereupon the victorious team will drink Hossa’s tears from the Cup as per tradition. Besides, my Cristobal says the Preds definitely Arnott going to advance – those Hawks Ladds are just looking Tootoo Sharp. Okay, I’ll stop now.

Vancouver Canucks (3) vs Los Angeles Kings (6)

Now, I’ve always liked both of these teams. The Kings are my dynasty in NHL 09 and the Canucks are my hometown team, so I ought to be fairly knowledgeable about them. (Spoiler alert: I’m not.) But while Vancouver’s rocking the Art Ross winner and a gold-medal goalie, LA has a decisive advantage in that Jack Johnson hates Canada with a fiery passion and will be hell-bent on destroying the Canucks’ hopes and dreams. Ryan Kesler shares his sentiments, and probably ought to be locked up to prevent any rage-fueled attempts to sabotage his own side.

Both teams have taken the Avs to school this year, to the tune of having squeezed a combined 16 of a possible 20 points out of us, so this is going to be a terrifying series - and I don’t mean just in terms of the hockey. These teams have players who have come straight out of a horror film. The Sedins are some nightmarish creature that shares one brain in two bodies, but even they will have a hard time keeping it from being devoured by Zombie Kopitar. Mikael Samuelsson’s facial hair will bear more than a passing resemblance to that of a muskrat. And for a fun sideshow, keep your eyes pinned on Dustin Brown’s facial contortions for an entire game and see if your sanity can stay intact.

Predictions:
Rick Rypien wrecks the much larger Raitis Ivanans by punching him in the ankle until he falls over.

Ryan Smyth’s crease presence will lead to him becoming BFFs with Roberto Luongo. Expect manly tears to be shed every time they part ways.

Stephane Auger will sign up to ref every game this series, LA will sweep, and Alex Burrows will spend at least 240 minutes in the penalty box.

Phoenix Coyotes (4) vs Detroit Red Wings (5)

This last series ought to be entertaining – if not on the ice, then certainly in the Detroit fanbase as Wings supporters everywhere prepare their tinfoil hats in anticipation that, since it’s a league-owned team they’re facing, Bettman must be about to screw them over. This is inaccurate, because Bettman will be mistakenly attending baseball games and wondering why ties aren’t decided by something cooler like a home-run derby. A fair amount of venom will also be directed at Colin Campbell, who to put it nicely, will be wearing suspenders to work even when one of them is conspicuously missing and the other far shorter than it ought to be. And while it’s great that they’ve apparently extended the Make A Wish Foundation to include adults, letting blind men ref a hockey game might draw some vitriol too.

Otherwise, there really isn’t much to say here. Detroit still has a stacked lineup headlined by Hart Trophy candidate Jimmy Howard and a horde of recent hospital returnees, which is excellent because evidently injuries are only a valid excuse during the regular season and the Finals, and nowhere in between. It’s theirs to lose on paper, but then again Phoenix is a solid team with a gritty game, backed by a first-rate coach, fantastic goaltending, and nearly a hundred bandwagon fans. Final thought: Wouldn’t it be wicked if a Wojtek Wolski wrister was to lay waste to the winged wheel? If he can manage it, the Mueller trade becomes a flawless victory by default.

Predictions:
Petteri Nokelainen will reveal that he is, in fact, a real person and not a name that Dave Tippett invented just to see if he could get away with it.

Martin Hanzal will spear Nicklas Lidstrom in the sack, causing the Red Wings’ captain to lose the use of his one remaining testicle.

Detroit takes an early lead on the slam dunk contest, but Phoenix captures Game 7 in a shootout. Somewhere, Bettman will be stroking a white cat and cackling to himself.