My fellow Avaholics, the time has come for the Avalanche to make their glorious return back to post-season hockey. Yes, we are a spoiled lot, having seen a playoff appearance by this team in all but two seasons since they arrived in the Mile High City in 1995. But I don't care. It seems like forever. Suck it, Kings fans.
If you're like me, you've been scouring the internet for analysis and predictions for this upcoming series. And you've probably noticed a common theme: the phrase "best possible match-up" for the Sharks. Well, fuck that. If I had enough fingers, I'd make a set of brass knuckles that read "best possible match-up" and then punch Rob Blake in the face.
Instead of assaulting Gentleman Rob, I guess what I'll do instead is lay out the law as far as how the Avs will beat the Sharks this series. Follow the jump for the Keys to Success!-Make sure the Sharks are eating a healthy diet of solid food. This will facilitate their annual post-season CHOKE.
-Invest in some smooth stones in a pouch and a slingshot. I'll be singing "Only a Boy Named Dutchie" from my couch.
-Bring a jar of pickles to seduce Marc-Eduard Vlasic. (Bad pun, I know, but I had to.)
-Dress David Koci for game one. Just so he'll kill Rob Blake in his fifteen seconds of ice time. This is less a key to success and more of something that will just make us all feel a lot better.
-Once we've dispatched of Gentleman Rob, slap the Sharks "C" back on Marleau's chest. He will inevitably collapse under the pressure.
-Also along the lines of making us feel a lot better: create a playoff drinking game. Every time McNabb or the Vs. announcer says something stupid, take a shot. This way, even if the Avs lose, you either won't remember or you'll be sloshed enough that it won't matter!
-Dub John Michael Liles "The Baptist" and have him dunk Craig "Our Savior" Anderson in the Pacific Ocean. This way a booming voice from heaven should distract the Sharks, or at the very least a white dove will be flying around the crease helping Andy block pucks.
-Buy Matthew Broderick a Mueller jersey. Seriously, we all make these references to Feris Bueller's Day Off, and totally overlook the fact that Ferris' buddy is sporting a Wings jersey! Gotta cancel out the evil red energies for the Avs' Ferris' return!
-Adopt Team Canada's jerseys as our alternates for three reasons: 1. the blueberries suck and we always lose in them; 2. it might get Heatley, Thornton, Marleau, and Boyle confused; and most likely 3. it should give Evgeni Nabokov flashbacks that would rival that of a Vietnam Veteran.
-Hope that playoff peach fuzz pleases the hockey gods as much as a legitimate playoff beard.
-Let 'em play all four games in San Jose. It's called the Shark TANK for a reason.
-Make sure the Sharks are reading everything in the media. This will convince them that they don't even need to show up at the rink. Avs in 4 if the Teal-boys take two week nap!
-Most importantly, just make sure the Sharks know it's the playoffs. Their self-destruct will take care of itself.