Keys to Success Playoff Edition: Series 1 - Avs vs. Blowfish...er Sharks

My fellow Avaholics, the time has come for the Avalanche to make their glorious return back to post-season hockey.  Yes, we are a spoiled lot, having seen a playoff appearance by this team in all but two seasons since they arrived in the Mile High City in 1995.  But I don't care.  It seems like forever.  Suck it, Kings fans.

If you're like me, you've been scouring the internet for analysis and predictions for this upcoming series.  And you've probably noticed a common theme: the phrase "best possible match-up" for the Sharks.  Well, fuck that.  If I had enough fingers, I'd make a set of brass knuckles that read "best possible match-up" and then punch Rob Blake in the face.

Instead of assaulting Gentleman Rob, I guess what I'll do instead is lay out the law as far as how the Avs will beat the Sharks this series.  Follow the jump for the Keys to Success!

-Invest in some smooth stones in a pouch and a slingshot.  I'll be singing "Only a Boy Named Dutchie" from my couch.

-Sign Patrick Marleau to play on Paul Stastny's left wing.  Oh, wait...that's this off-season AFTER the Sharks choke.  My bad.  But maybe some tampering on the part of the Shermanator wouldn't hurt.

-Bring a jar of pickles to seduce Marc-Eduard Vlasic.  (Bad pun, I know, but I had to.)

-Dress David Koci for game one.  Just so he'll kill Rob Blake in his fifteen seconds of ice time.  This is less a key to success and more of something that will just make us all feel a lot better.

-Once we've dispatched of Gentleman Rob, slap the Sharks "C" back on Marleau's chest.  He will inevitably collapse under the pressure.

-Also along the lines of making us feel a lot better: create a playoff drinking game.  Every time McNabb or the Vs. announcer says something stupid, take a shot.  This way, even if the Avs lose, you either won't remember or you'll be sloshed enough that it won't matter!

-Dub John Michael Liles "The Baptist" and have him dunk Craig "Our Savior" Anderson in the Pacific Ocean.  This way a booming voice from heaven should distract the Sharks, or at the very least a white dove will be flying around the crease helping Andy block pucks.

-Buy Matthew Broderick a Mueller jersey.  Seriously, we all make these references to Feris Bueller's Day Off, and totally overlook the fact that Ferris' buddy is sporting a Wings jersey!  Gotta cancel out the evil red energies for the Avs' Ferris' return!

-Adopt Team Canada's jerseys as our alternates for three reasons: 1. the blueberries suck and we always lose in them; 2. it might get Heatley, Thornton, Marleau, and Boyle confused; and most likely 3. it should give Evgeni Nabokov flashbacks that would rival that of a Vietnam Veteran.

-Hope that playoff peach fuzz pleases the hockey gods as much as a legitimate playoff beard.

-Let 'em play all four games in San Jose.  It's called the Shark TANK for a reason.

-Make sure the Sharks are reading everything in the media.  This will convince them that they don't even need to show up at the rink.  Avs in 4 if the Teal-boys take two week nap!

-Most importantly, just make sure the Sharks know it's the playoffs.  Their self-destruct will take care of itself.