Keys to Success Playoff Edition: Series 1 - Avs vs. Sharks

My fellow Avaholics, the time has come for the Avalanche to make their glorious return back to post-season hockey.  Yes, we are a spoiled lot, having seen a playoff appearance by this team in all but two seasons since they arrived in the Mile High City in 1995.  But I don't care.  It seems like forever.  Suck it, Kings fans.

If you're like me, you've been scouring the internet for analysis and predictions for this upcoming series.  And you've probably noticed a common theme: the phrase "best possible match-up" for the Sharks.  Well, fuck that.  If I had enough fingers, I'd make a set of brass knuckles that read "best possible match-up" and then punch Rob Blake in the face.

Instead of assaulting Gentleman Rob, I guess what I'll do instead is lay out the law as far as how the Avs will beat the Sharks this series.  Follow the jump for the Keys to Success!

-Make sure the Sharks are eating a healthy diet of solid food.  This will facilitate their annual post-season CHOKE.

-Invest in some smooth stones in a pouch and a slingshot.  I'll be singing "Only a Boy Named Dutchie" from my couch.

-Sign Patrick Marleau to play on Paul Stastny's left wing.  Oh, wait...that's this off-season AFTER the Sharks choke.  My bad.  But maybe some tampering on the part of the Shermanator wouldn't hurt.

-Bring a jar of pickles to seduce Marc-Eduard Vlasic.  (Bad pun, I know, but I had to.)

-Dress David Koci for game one.  Just so he'll kill Rob Blake in his fifteen seconds of ice time.  This is less a key to success and more of something that will just make us all feel a lot better.

-Once we've dispatched of Gentleman Rob, slap the Sharks "C" back on Marleau's chest.  He will inevitably collapse under the pressure.

-Also along the lines of making us feel a lot better: create a playoff drinking game.  Every time McNabb or the Vs. announcer says something stupid, take a shot.  This way, even if the Avs lose, you either won't remember or you'll be sloshed enough that it won't matter!

-Dub John Michael Liles "The Baptist" and have him dunk Craig "Our Savior" Anderson in the Pacific Ocean.  This way a booming voice from heaven should distract the Sharks, or at the very least a white dove will be flying around the crease helping Andy block pucks.

-Buy Matthew Broderick a Mueller jersey.  Seriously, we all make these references to Feris Bueller's Day Off, and totally overlook the fact that Ferris' buddy is sporting a Wings jersey!  Gotta cancel out the evil red energies for the Avs' Ferris' return!

-Adopt Team Canada's jerseys as our alternates for three reasons: 1. the blueberries suck and we always lose in them; 2. it might get Heatley, Thornton, Marleau, and Boyle confused; and most likely 3. it should give Evgeni Nabokov flashbacks that would rival that of a Vietnam Veteran.

-Hope that playoff peach fuzz pleases the hockey gods as much as a legitimate playoff beard.

-Let 'em play all four games in San Jose.  It's called the Shark TANK for a reason.

-Make sure the Sharks are reading everything in the media.  This will convince them that they don't even need to show up at the rink.  Avs in 4 if the Teal-boys take two week nap!

-Most importantly, just make sure the Sharks know it's the playoffs.  Their self-destruct will take care of itself. is a fan community, allowing members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Colorado Avalanche and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editors of

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