Dear MHH Staff
Loathe though I am to admit it, I have not yet made a drunk posting to MHH. I've read the classic works of An Unmitigated Disaster, and the recent newsletter from UZ, and I am truly amazed at the quality of their work. I have attempted drunk posting on a number of occasions, and have failed each time. Typically, when the muse calls, I am too inebriated to even find the keyboard, let alone type. But, on the off chance that I find that balance one day, I want to know how to do it right. I'd like to submit the following proposal for guidelines in drunk posting for general comment, and so I can find them when I'm blasted yet capable of operating a computer:
- Somewhere in the first run-on sentence or two, admit that you may have been drinking.
This is not entirely necessary since your state of intoxication will be evident in the rest of your post, but it seems to be part of the literary form.
- Find a word that you can still spell and repeat it frequently
This word should be one that you would use to make your post both emphatic and believable, and it should have an "S" or "Sh" sound in it somewhere so the readers can insert your drunken slur as they read. "Actually" is my personal favorite, although readers should hear it as "ashualllly" and should picture me waving my index finger as I say it and then see me become mesmerized by its beauty and lose my train of thought.
- Find some unique way to indicate that the Avalanche are the greatest team of all time.
This should be repeated at least once, and include a tearful reference to current or past star players. "Forshberg," "Shakic," and "Shtanley" are required. Bonus points will be awarded for mentions of players who got the call from the minors, but never actually saw any ice time. Double bonus points if you can work in references to Chico Resch, Wilf Paiement, or Barry Beck from the first Colorado franchise.
- Detroit Red Wings suck
...and the city of Detroit is peopled entirely by slovenly ill-informed troglodytes, excepting of course the few Avalanche fans who are victims of unfortunate circumstance.
- Include an extensive diatribe on the UFA flavor of the week.
This will guarantee at least one response in the comment section, validating your existence; which is what you were really after in the first place.
I hope with these guidelines, and the suggestions from the Staff and readers of MHH, we can maintain the quality and increase the frequency of drunk postings.