(Written for Avalanche Breakaway but posted here, cuz I was too dumb to do a fanshot.)
Apparently, some dude named Peter Forsberg has been practicing with the Colorado Avalanche. A few years ago he was allegedly a pretty good player, winning some cardiovascular award in 2003, and also eating out of an apparently very special bowl made by some chap named Stanley a couple times. If you like him a whole lot, you can call him Faux Pas, which might mean something in Scandinavian, I think.
Mr. Forsberg has been away from the game of hockey for, like, ever, and chances are he's going to die of a broken body before ever playing another NHL game, causing Avalanche fans across the world to ponder suicide, but just in case that doesn't happen, I'd like to take a minute to look at the many options the Avalanche organization has if, indeed, Foppa pries his right foot out of the grave and returns.
They could either sign him or not.
They probably shouldn't, but rather take the millions of dollars they'd be saving and buy him a plane ticket back to Sweden, then spend some money on lawyers to make sure to get a restraining order which will ban him from entering the state of Colorado or any arena in which the Avalanche or any of their players might be playing. Just to play it safe, ya know?
But the team could, of course, sell its collective soul to Miroslav Satan and give Forsberg a contract to limp through the remainder of this season strictly to attract pathetic, despicable, stupid-commenting, nostalgic Avalanche fans to come to their ne'er sold out games. That's capitalism for you, and assuming Peter's ancient body doesn't randomly implode next time he gets on the ice, it's probably what's going to happen.
So, now the question is, how does he fit into the lineup. He's basically a grandpa, so you probably don't want to play him too many minutes, however David Koci does have a contractual obligation to get the least amount of ice time every game he suits up, so I guess we have to do something with the old Swede.
So, top six or bottom six? If limiting his time is necessary, you'll probably want to play him on the third or fourth line. Of course, that would require him to play physically, which is something he never liked doing. Also, despite what the naysayers say, once upon a time he was pretty good with that little black thing hockey players play with. What's it called? Oh, yeah, the puke. Anyway, occasionally he used to put up some points in between injuries. So, even if you're trying to keep his minutes down, you've got to put him on one of the power play units.
But because Avalanche fans and the organization alike aren't stupid but have stupid ideas, they're probably going to want to play him in the top six before the inevitable collapse of one of his many injured joints and bones. But with whom?
Apparently, the NHL bylaws prohibit any player without a spleen to play the center position, which is fine because the Avs are okay up the middle these days anyway. I mean, they don't have a Tavares-Schemp 1-2 punch, but they're getting by. So, do you play Foppa with Paul Stastny or with Matt Duchene? Either option has its follies, so let's just dive into the pool of inevitable heartbreak and inequity.
If you play him with Matt Duchene, he might be able to feed the young gun a nice pass or two per game, which would definitely get the rising star more scoring opportunities. However, you have to take into account that Peter Forsberg never was fast, and now that he's AARP eligible, he's pretty much a snail. I mean, Duchene would probably find himself taking naps waiting for Forsberg to join the rush.
The other option is Paul Stastny. This poses some problems, as the NHL prohibits one NHL line from having so much on-ice vision that they can actually see through the defense. Basically, they don't want anyone to know that Sean Avery does in fact wear a bra and panties. If you could find some sort of loophole around that rule, whoever played on the right side of a Forsberg-Stastny duo would probably score 50 goals a season just by standing with his stick on the ice.
Let's start with Hejduk. Once upon a time, the Czech winger scored 50 goals skating alongside Forsberg, so there's a good chance the two could find their chemistry again. However, the Avs don't want to be too much like the Red Wings, and putting two old guys on the ice at the same time may just be too much. I mean, imagine if Adam Foote was on the ice simultaneously! It would basically be geriatrics on ice. Dangerous.
Next up is Chris Stewart, who earlier this year looked to be headed towards a 40 goal season, something the Avs haven't seen in awhile. Putting him with a passer such as Forsberg might really get him back on track. However, considering the history of how defensemen in the league treat Forsberg, Stew would probably end up breaking his fist in a fight every other game.
What about David Jones? Jones is big and physical and occasionally has a scoring touch, however he shows more discretion than does Stewart when fighting. It might be a good match, except for the fact that David the Third, like Duchene, is pretty fast, and Forsberg would probably be embarrassed huffing and puffing his way down the ice to catch up with the guy.
The Avs have plenty of other options to play at right wing, like T.J. Galiardi or Brandon Yip. But let's face it, even though Peter Forsberg totally sucks, these guys suck way more and if you're gonna go through the pretense of playing him on one of the top two lines, at least let him play with someone worth a damn. Jeez.
Anyway, I've pretty much outlined all the options I can think of which lead to not only the inevitable downfall of the Avalanche, but the total embarrassment of the NHL, the sport of hockey, and athletic people everywhere.
If by now you haven't realized that Peter Forsberg is the worst thing on the planet, you're probably about to type something stupid.