No, of course it wasn't. Because that never happened. But where were we? Oh yes, this Avalanche season is over. And the Avs will almost undoubtedly finish with the 2nd worst record in the NHL, only unable to catch Edmonton for tank supremacy.
Being cheaper than hell "Building from within" is apparently nothing but growing pains in year two. But the Avs still have 8 painful, meaningless, life-sucking, tanktacular, shitastic games to go. Here's an advance preview of what to look forward to in this, the final swirl around the toilet of ineptitude that was your 2010-2011 Avalanche season.
1. Tonight at Anaheim The Ducks are fighting for their playoff lives and beat the Avs handily in their last meeting in the Can. The Avs are fighting to stay awake. Johnson aside, the Ducks have a huge size edge over the Avs, and always use it to their advantage when the teams meet, along with their skill advantage, goaltending advantage, and playing like they give a shit advantage. The Ducks will win 8-1, but the one goal by the Avs will give McNab the one excuse he needs to gush about the Avalanche future.
2. March 31st Nashville Another team in the playoff hunt, this one jockeying for position. Unlike the Avs, Nashville has introduced their fans to the concepts of "defense" and "goaltending" over the course of this season. But the Avs will have a surprise in store for the Preds. That surprise will be that they will still dress 18 skaters and 2 goalies, take to the Pepsi Center ice in front of 100's of semi-interested fans, and skate around and pretend to play hockey. Preds win 5-0. McNab likes the "compete level" of the Avs.
3. April 1st at Phoenix In an amazing display of resiliency and heart, the Avalanche finally give all of us hope for the future as several prospects click with more established leaders and beat an elite team in the conference, the Coyotes. Furthermore, Brian Elliott slams the door on several great Phoenix scoring chances in his first shutout wearing the unipron. Look at the date and wake the fuck up. This won't happen. 'Yotes win 6-1. McNab doesn't get this joke.
4. April 3rd Calgary These two teams used to be good for spirited one-goal differential battles, filled with hard hitting and exciting finishes. Approximately 19 of the few thousand fans in the Can for this one actually remember those days. Calgary keeps their slim playoff hopes alive during what some of their players secretly call "a day off." Calgary wins 7-2. McNab reminds us of how much better this is than what happened on Valentine's Day.
5. April 5th at St. Louis Even in their darkest times, like the past 2 months, the Avs own the Blues. But the Avs know they still have a shot at two number one draft picks in the coming draft if they can help St. Louis crawl out of the bottom 10, so they lay down and die in what Stewie and Shatty call "a real hockey town," not intending to slam Denver or anything about the Av organization, of course. Blues win 4-1 in what goes down as one of the worst games in the history of hockey. Even McNab is left speechless, and Blues' announcer John Kelly punctuates his trademark "thank you thank you thank you" calls after Blue goals with a question mark.
6. April 7th at Dallas As they battle for their playoff lives, Dallas has been looking at their schedule and smiling for weeks knowing that this back-to-back against our beloved dogshit excuse for a hockey team is on the horizon. The Avs do not disappoint the Stars and their douchebag coach Marc Crawford, falling in the land of cocaine and boob jobs 7-1. Steve Ott can't even get motivated to cheap shot any Avalanche players, showing a human side that nobody thought he had.
7. April 8th Dallas Still smarting from the one goal allowed during the previous night, the Stars come out in full force in an empty building and hand the Avs a franchise record 14-0 defeat. McNab calls it "one of the best if not the best beatdown" he has ever seen, then beats Mark Rycroft with his shoe.
8. April 10th Edmonton "Fan Appreciation Day" is an especially appropriate name this year, as one fan attends the season finale against the only team worse than our boys in burgundy. Neither team has anything left to play for, other than pride, and the Avs once again show that this term is not in their vocabulary, along with terms like "defense, scoring, checking, competing, and ice hockey," falling to the Oil by a 5-1 score for the third straight time at the Pepsi Center. A smiling Greg Sherman is interviewed following the game and announces that he has great news. Brian Elliott has signed a contract extension!