This report card is a joint effort by Me and all the commenters below. See, see how I give credit to the wonderful and brilliant commenters on every post who make the blog and its posts as good as they are. Jerks.
Final Grade: A-
Preseason Grade: A+
Midseason Grade: A
Last Year: A
Her beginning huh?. Well, "Beachie" began in 2010. That seems recent, but she at least still was a "fan" of the Avalanche which instantly makes her better than Mike.
MHH Nicknames: Seriously? Well if by nicknames we mean screen names, um...go here. Put in a word that relates to her. The result will be one of her screen names at some point. If you want a second screen name hit refresh. I have been playing with it for 20 minutes and yet to see a name she hasn't use.
TANGENT 1: Has anyone asked WHY she keeps losing her names? She claims it's some computery technical error but that seems like an excuse. Getting SBnation to ban you seems hard, unless Joe is involved. I have been flagging every single comment Bob makes for the past 3 weeks and he is still here. What did Beachie do? Is she some some of super hacker? Is she a spy for the Russian government? Is she a spy for the Corsiatti? Anyway, back on track.
Career Highlights: Before this season, Beachie was a great commenter and deservingly became a writer. Again, DDC manipulating woman to do the work he doesn't want. But in the preseason her true passion came out. I mean really? You sat in a car and gave us play-by-play. Speechless. You gain a preseason A+ for that. Oh also, she created a blog, which I don't read, and she does some weekly thing where she researches Avalanche players or something like that, I dunno. DDC told me not to bother with it.
TANGENT 2: Before entering into my report, I think it necessary to get one thing out of the way. One premise that everyone is not aware of now, but should be before starting. BEACHIE LOVES JOHN-MICHAEL LILES. NO SERIOUSLY, SHE REALLY LIKES THE GUY TO POINT WHERE IT'S FUCKING CREEPY AND IT COMES UP IN EVERY SINGLE POST, FANSHOT, AND COMMENT SHE EVER MAKES. (pun intended). I thought you all should be on notice.
Report: Beachie's role on this blog is that of the utmost importance. I see her role as two-fold: First, she helps guide us lowly commenters, she heals our wounds, and cares for our well-being. Or at least she likes to think she embodies that. At one point she had some name involving that. While she can think that all she wants, I mean I like to think i'm James Bond, the only real effect of her
split personality disorder fantasy is bringing this concept to every post.
TANGENT 3: I am still concerned that no one gets how much Beachie loves John-Michael Liles. Please refer to Exhibit A. No need to read past her thrilling story of running down the hallway in high heels; just in case you couldn't visualize what a stalker really looks likes. Hey, some stalkers dress nicely.
Second, though she likes to be the nurse of the blog, I have been thinking and realized her role is slightly different, yet equally important. Without Beachie who would keep Sandie from talking about her cupcakes and enticing Randy so much he explodes? Who would keep Andidee constantly drooling over EJ and now apparently Landeskog? Who would ensure that Mike makes an article about the prettiness of the potential draft picks? Seriously Mike? Without Beachie being the Madame of the blog there is no way to maintain the constant air of sexual tension and schoolgirl fawning. Without Madame Beachie, this blog would be about hockey and those other girls would be lost. But hey, once the "Beachie" screen name gets banned next week I am sure MadameBeachie is available.
Oh I almost forgot I was giving grades: She gets an A+ for the preseason work. Checking out was cool and so was her blog. That kept her at an A. And since the Avs suck no ones gets that grade she gets and A-.
The Beachie Drinking Game: Drink every time Beachie performs her role as Madame of the MHH. Examples may include but are not limited to: encouraging sexual discussion, complementing the hotness of players, dictating feminine topics, mention of high heels, mention of high heels, mention of red high heels, mention of the word Johnson, and anything construed of brothely matriarchness. Yeah I just made up two words. Drunk Potential: Drunk? At Madame Beachie's we encourage rampant imbibing and would never tell a paying customer when to stop.
If Beachie was a player on the Avalanche: Though Beachie has similarities to Liles, mostly in some excessive form of vanity, when it comes to the MHH team she is Hejduk. A super star that the blog needs. A top line player who never lets us a down and is there when we need her. Hejduk is a staple of consistency on the ice and Beachie never wavers in her obsession of Liles, her passion for writing, and her affinity with promiscuous discussion.
Outlook for next season: I would say lower because it will be hard to top that preseason game. But I challenge you right now Beachie. If during the Frozen Fury you get a picture of Liles, ala Patrick Kane, and post it here, Joe and I will offer you complete legal services for free for the rest of your life. Challenge is up. Ball is in your court. Let's see how good those heels are when they matter.
Unlike some other people who grade people, I look forward to the future comments.
Next up: DDC
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