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So You Want To Be A Staff Writer: A MHH Choose Your Own Adventure


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via snarkerati.com

You wake up one morning hoping for some Avalanche news. You go online only to see a thread from the night before that ends in drunken rambling, a smattering of curse words, and gauche sexual innuendos. You decide that something needs to be done. You will end the plight of mediocre stories on Mile High Hockey; you will become a Staff Writer. The adventure begins...

Chapter 1. You shower. This was a novel idea because you aren't sure if you will be forced to live in a basement for the next 10 years writing, so it's good to start off clean, for now. When you're done, you look in the mirror. You see:

A. An excited, energetic face lookings back. Go to Chapter 2

B. Olli Jokinen. Go to Chapter 10.

C. Cupcakes. Go to Chapter 11.

*

Chapter 2. You're dressed and ready. You pack a bag and set out on your mission. As you leave, you are unsure where to head. You think for a while "where would the Mile High Hockey Headquaters be?". You make a decision to go..

A. New Hampshire. Go to Capter 3.

B. Oklahoma. Go to Chapter 4.

C. A High End Hotel in Denver. Go to Chapter 5.

*

Chapter 3. You walk up to a house. You think you have found the headquarters. You are so close to being a staff writer, but then you see the Welcome Mat. It reads, "Datsyuk Loves All His Children". You know you've made a wrong choice. You turn to run but you are hit in the head with a walker. You see a blurry outline of a person who appears to be wearing a Red Wings leotard. You black out. You wake up in a room full of red decorations. You know where you are. You have one choice. Go to Chapter 10.

*

Chapter 4. "Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in the surrey." You are happily singing that song and thinking, this place is great. Then BAM! You are punched in the face. You scramble on the sidewalk and your head is pounding. You touch your face and feel streams of blood pouring down. You look at your finders covered in bloo...what the hell? You smell your hands and it appears to be Arby's sau..BAM. You are punched again. Fight or Flight takes over. You stand up to see some moron in goalie pads throwing roast beef sandwiches at you. He cackles "Welcome to to Oklahoma bitch." He stands above you, his face smeared with a dark red sauce. He fist raised. Go to Chapter 10.

*

Chapter 5. Ahh, the Mile High City. This is the right place. You think you've found the golden ticket now. You enter the hotel and see nothing. It's empty. There's music upstairs so you go to the second floor. The noise is coming from a room down the hall. You get closer and peak the door open. It appears to be some mexican orgy. You leave immediately. As you walk away there is a strange smell coming from the fire escape. You walk closer and there is a trail of orangey-green liquid. It looks like someone mixed orange juice and mountain dew. You follow. Go to Chapter 6.

*

Chapter 6. The stairs lead down, deep into the ground. As you get closer you hear music. Happy music. You're convinced it's Disney music. The path stops and there are 3 doors. The music is coming from one of the 3. You take a chance and push open...

A. A wooden door with something that looks like sand underneath. Go to Chapter 7.

B. An iron door smeared with frosting. Go to Chapter 8.

C. A non-descript metal door. Go to Chapter 9.

*

Chapter 7. You see a round room with sand on the ground. You hear muffled noises from the corner. A figure is stirring violently. You walk over to the crouched figure. It's a man. His face is covered in lipstick. He's naked. You are confused by this because you recognize him. The door shuts behind you quickly. You're trapped. You turn around and see someone in a nurse's uniform. Go to Chapter 10.

*

Chapter 8: The door opens to a long stone hallway. There is a strange smell in the air. A combination of smells. One of sugar. One of death. As you walk you see empty shackles on the wall. A red "1" is painted above it. You turn to look at the opposite side and see similar shackles with a "2" above them. These are filled with a corpse. It appears to be to be moving. The corpse is a man and he's wearing some sort of Navy hat. You proceed quickly. Every 4 feet there are more shackles with numbers above them. "3, 4, 5, 14, 15, 16". Some are filled, some are not. One set of shackles holds a man with "S T E V E" tattoed on his forehead. Another has some dude in a cowboy hat. That's weird. You get to the end of the hallway. A large "19" is above the door. You..

A. Open the door. Go to Chapter 9.5.

B. Turn around and try for another door. Go to Chapter 6.

*

Chapter 9. As you open the metal door, you hear loud music. "This is it!". You're wrong. You enter and see a dragon!!! Well, it's not a real dragon. It's a 6 foot tall plastic replica of Godzilla. It's moving. It's moving towards you. The music is so loud it's deafening. The Godzilla toy gets closer. And closer. Such loud music. Closer. Then it turns and you see it's not coming towards you, but someone is waltzing with the toy. The person is naked, but absorbed in dancing with Godzilla. You turn to run, but slip on liquid. You float in and out of consciousness. Go to Chapter 10.

*

Chapter 9.5: You suck up your fear and enter. It's a quit room with a table in the center. A man sits, quietly writing something. He is muttering "19, i'm almost done." He looks up and says "Oh it's you, i'll finish this later. Come in." You are already in so it seems weird he would say that. It's almost like the writer didn't want to correct himself and edit that. Oh well. You go closer. The man is wearing a suit. He has no pocket square. You are not impressed. He looks at you and says "are you prepared to do what is necessary?" You reply with exaggerated excitement about hating the Red Wings and you will write so many articles that the Bleacker Report will shut down. The man says "shut up, it was rhetorical". He hands you an oversized hammer. He says, the chairman has a test for you. David Driscoll-Carignan walks in leading some small hooded figure!! ! You are awestruck in veneration. Or at least that is what the autocorrect on this story wrote for me. I have no idea why since I wrote something very different. DDC speaks "I expect you to write well and often, unless you're Randy. If you want this, you had to kill this troll". You look at the hammer, you look at the troll. The chairman looks on. You run over and slam the oversized hammer down on the troll. Everything goes black. You wake up up the ground with two men looking over you. Go to Chapter 11.

*

Chapter 10:

You see a snowblower, just kill yourself already and end this miserable excuse for a life.

*

Chapter 11:

Yay! You're a Staff Writer! Congratulations!!!!!!! Now go write something awesome, unless you're Randy.

MileHighHockey.com is a fan community, allowing members to post their own thoughts and opinions on the Colorado Avalanche and hockey in general. These views and thoughts may not be shared by the editors of MileHighHockey.com.

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