Okay, so in keeping with our IRONCLAD MHredacted theme, we're locking out EVERYTHING related to hockey, but this is something I don't think any of us saw coming. It's the story of a young, fresh-faced immigrant getting a promotion while contributing to the American economic model in the midst of pending labor strife. It's uplifting stories like this that make it possible for me to roll out of bed every morning after not staying up to watch some odd ice-based sport on my over-priced cable television.
Labrium Gobbsalog was named the youngest senior facilitator in the history of National Lockout Limited.
Here's a link to the somewhat official-looking congratulatory refrigerator memo posted on the company's MySpace homepage. It was just announced today around 11:15AM right after a meeting of the Bobs. "Labby" is currently 19 years, 290 days old, beating out Cindy Cromsby's old vertical mobility record by exactly one week as the youngest middleman in company history. Nobody knows why HR keeps such exacting records, though. According to the hastily thrown together PowerPoint presentation and email memo, Martin Duckhedge asked to be transferred to the meat-packing department due to his desire to spend more time pursuing his true passion: veal. He is the one that requested to have the young Gobbsalog named as his replacement after witnessing the Swedish transfer student's impressive work-like ethic during Labrium's one-month orientation training. Martin intends to serve as an Assistant Senior Facilitator on alternating Wednesdays and Thursdays (along with Peter Statsny, who's father Paul thinks that the company would be much more profitable if former employees Kevin Sisco-Archer and Stuart Christ hadn't been transferred to the company's Mold-a-Penis plant in lower Missouri). Regional yesman Joe Saxxo was the one that officially named Gobbsalog to the new role this morning. This makes young Gobbsalog the 4th Senior Facilitator in the Denver office's history and the 10th in the company's North American history. Upper Lower Management department heads are encouraged by the news as they feel it in no way is meant to be a distraction from the impending labor negotiation breakdown between the traffic pool managers and the guys that drive the delivery trucks.
Reminder: Casual Friday only occurs on odd-numbered Fridays in months ending in -ber and Spandex is prohibited (nobody wants to see that, Dave).
Because of the requirement to include the company's disclaimer on all inter-department announcements, please read the following:
This email and any files transmitted with it are somewhat confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity (we don't judge) to whom they are addressed. If you have received this email in error please contact the intended recipient using your amazing telepathic powers and read this message in a horrible Indonesian accent. Do NOT, under any circumstances reply to this email but please delete and destroy all copies of the original message. Please note that any views or opinions presented in this email are solely those of the author and the people who told him to write it and do not necessarily represent those of National Lockout Limited, Denver subsidiary. Finally, the recipient should check this email and any attachments for the presence of viruses, especially sexually-transmitted ones. The company accepts no liability for any damage to one's genitalia (however they are used) caused by any virus transmitted by this email.