March 6 2012; Denver, CO, USA; Shreg German overseeing business. Mandatory Credit: Ron Chenoy-US PRESSWIRE
The following is a statement from the Colorambo Applesauce company regarding the decision to name Labrium Gobbsalog the youngest Senior Facilitator in the history of the National Lockout Limited. Company Manager Shreg German had this to say:
"We are excited to name Labrium our captain, but we understand that there have been plenty of criticisms by clueless consumers worldwide.
"For example, top comments on Torrential-downpour Sports Network.ca include "I wonder what Marty Deustchbank is thinking" with +92 upvotes, "Picked ahead of Walnuts Stachecheese and Deustchbank?" with +55 votes, and "Stupid" with +50 votes. This same trend of misinformed consumers questioning our managerial decision can be seen in the comments sections of major news outlets internet-wide.
"It is clear that consumers of our very own Applesauce company understand that Labrium has earned his newfound position, but consumers of other companies don't seem to understand.
"So, here is what I have to say: Mr. Gobbsalog was always going to be named Senior Facilitator. We knew it when we hired him and it took only a year of watching him excel as meat-packaging intern to validate our decision.
"Did we want him to be senior facilitator in only his second year on the job? Not exactly, but we didn't have a choice.
"Martin Duckhedge, our previous senior facilitator, asked to be transferred to the meat-packaging department to assume the role of Assistant Senior Facilitator. Originally, the plan was for Duckhedge to act as Senior Facilitator for one or two more years. That plan was cut short, and so that left us with five candidates for the then-vacant spot.
"First on our list was Walnuts Stachecheese, not to be confused with his father Almonds Stachecheese who had infamously disapproved of our company's decision making. Of all the candidates, Walnuts had been with our company the longest and was always a board room leader (not to mention our highest-paid employee). There was no debate in naming him Assistant Senior Facilitator. But as talented as he is, he just didn't have the intangibles desired for a leadership position. For example, there was a time when he would get overly-ecstatic after closing company deals and celebrate not-so-humbly with fellow employee Marty Deustchbank. That does not scream leader to me.
"We also have to look to the future. In this economy we may or may not eventually make cuts in order to profit. While there is no denying that Mr. Walnuts is integral to our company, when push comes to shove he may be the employee on the block as we are well-stocked in the central meat-processing role (see: Deustchbank, Orion).
"Second, we considered Jerry Ekson, the only employee with previous senior facilitating experience - he once led a Missouri plant years ago before he broke his leg in an unfortunate zamboni driving incident which all but threw off his mojo.
"But for us it was simple - Jerry performs best without the pressure of leading. Perhaps one day he can assume a leadership position, but he needs more time.
"Then came Marty Deustchbank - our company janitor. Indeed, he had a particular proclivity for washing clothes but that is precisely why we never hired him into a leadership role. ‘Stop using the spin cycle, Marty,' we would shout, ‘you're over-washing our suits, they're going to be ruined!' Marty never listened.
"While I am confident he will one day learn that being a janitor is about keeping it simple he was just never prepared to move up in the ranks - he must polish up where polishing is needed. He may have been with the company longer than Labrium, but that does not automatically grant him a higher position. It was clear after two years that he would never, ever be our senior facilitator under any circumstance barring a miracle burst of maturation.
"The last candidate was a tricky one, all things factored. His name is Lion Orion and he had been the company's hardest worker. In fact, if not for Labrium, Mr. Orion would have likely assumed the top role. Unfortunately though, working hard does not equate to senior facilitating. Hell, working hard doesn't even get you a new paycheck - he's the last of our employees to receive one.
"In the end it was an easier decision than most consumers realize. Lion was still learning the business side of working in the National Lockout Limited. So was Labrium, no? Well, this is true. But there is one fundamental difference: We trust in Labrium to evolve and lead at the same time. Lion, with his perfectionist mentality, has not fully matured. Until he proves he is a consistent force he will be left in the meat-packaging department indefinitely. However, assistant facilitating surely awaits.
"So, to those consumers - particularly the know-it-alls of Torrential Sports Network, who think they know what is best for our Colorambo Applesauce company - I have but one thing to say:
"Upon his hiring, Labrium Gobbsalog was always pegged to be Senior Facilitator of our proud company. Circumstance, however, forced us to make a decision early: Do we appoint the role unwillingly to someone else just because they are older and a more seasoned meat-packager, or do we put Labrium in a position one year early?