It's simple, really: Somebody pissed off somebody or something and the Avs have to pony up a penance of flesh IN EVERY GAME. Tonight's lineup is posted below along with the odds of them suffering from a specific, debilitating injury during tonight's game with the Minny Wild. I used player nicknames because they're awesome and so am I!!

First up? The "O":

Pappy - Traded to the Islanders against his will - ZERO (Doesn't play D or G)

Dutchy - Shot by a sniper from the sold-out XCel Center rafters - 3 to 1

Biggie J. McGinn - Heart Failure - 2 to 1

Dr. Jones - Drowned by my tears of frustration - Even

Palushaj - Crushed by a silent "J" (like in jogging) - 4 to 1

SoS - Crushed by his father's expectations - 2 to 1

Highlander - Self-imposed concussion - 4 to 1

Mitchell - McLeod-imposed concussion - 2 to 1

Duke - Retirement - 4 to 1

Bordello of Blood -Assault - 7 to 1

Olvertine the Olverine - Diabetes - 6 to 1

Kobario -Mediocrity - Even

Scratched: Capt. Scarbossa - Indigestion - Even

Next up, the "D":

ROB - Beaten to within an inch of his life by a seven-year-old girl - Even

The Missing Member of ZZ Top - Beaten like a rented mule on at least a half-dozen plays - Even

Zanon's Beard - Gets laid - Even

SOB - Amber alert issued - 2 to 1

Jan the Man - Crushed by burden of TOI - 2 to 1

Hunny Bunny - Upper Body trauma when he slams into the end boards in the O-zone - 3 to 1

Berry - Mistakenly used in a penalty kill smoothie - 2 to 1

And last by not least, the Goalies:

Giggy - Lacerated tonsil from screaming "SLOT!!!" at his wandering "D" - Even

Varly - Migraine from counting shots against - Even

WHOLE TEAM - Getting "Clutterbucked" on V-day: STONE. COLD. LOCK.

Now, I don't have a crystal ball so if you foresee some other ailments appearing tonight, please feel free to share in the comments.