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NHL Tank Race 2015 - History's Greatest Tanks

Episode 7

The NHL Tank Race 2015 studios has been a parade of who's-who in tank racing these past days. It looks like we have two tank celebrities in our midst. Eddie Johnston and Craig Patrick, both former General Managers of Flightless Foul, winner of two of the most important tank races in history. We also have on the line our own Ed Olczyk who has a connection to these historic races. Welcome gentlemen. It seems we have two Eddies on the show, so Ed Olczyk, I hope it's OK if I call you "Edzo."

"Please NO! The blimp. McGuire! Put the flail away, Doc. Please, help me, please..."

Alright, we'll go with "Big O." Will that work? Big O? Vic, our producer, says we'll need to give Big O a minute or two alone.

OK, Eddie Johnston, let's set the stage. The prize-of-a-generation is on the line. It's the '83-'84 season. You and Baz Bastien had re-built the tank the year before and had a very successful run.

"Baz was the primary designer. I lead the race team. We won the race in a squeaker in the '82-'83 season, but it was really a warm up for the next year. All the teams had known for several years that the prize in the '84 race was going to be one for the books. Mall Rat really gave us a run in '82, but they didn't have the legs in '83. Rocky's Satanic Scout was the better tank that year, but they faded at the end. I think they had a bad bearing or something; the whining was almost intolerable. Baz got the boot before the end of the race and I took over, but what we put together that year was something special."

I believe Satanic Scout is now running as Lou's Clues and Mall Rat is now Cane Mutiny. It's said that the lottery was put in place after that effort. Do you take pride in that?

"Of course. It says to me that we were too good; they had to change the rules."

Big O, you have an interesting connection to that draft. Tell us about it.

"I went third overall to Wind in His Britches in ‘84."

Let's go to you Craig. You designed the tank that won the second prize-of-a-generation for Flightless Foul in '04-‘05.

"We really struggled as a hockey team that... oooh, a cookie!"

By an amazing coincidence Eddie Johnston was the Assistant GM for that season. Eddie, maybe you can fill us in.

"What Craig was saying is that the organization assembled a great tank for the '01-'02 season, getting our first top-10 finish in a while. The next year we won it all, the race, the lottery, everything. And that set us up for the '03-'04 season. NHL Tank Race 2015's very own Ed Olczyk was our coach that season, and it was a great choice. The prize that year was a big one, came out of Russia. We won the race, but Capitol Deficit took the lottery."

That puts us into the '04-'05 lockout year. There was no race that season, so they re-ran the lottery based on the '03-'04 finish order. Craig, what happened there?

"The lottery was held in a hotel conference room in Ottawa. The press were not allowed inside, so they called it the ‘secret' lottery. Disney on Ice won it... oooh, another cookie!"

"I think Craig is a bit confused. We won the lottery that year - Mr. Bettman will confirm it - and with it took the second prize-of-a-generation for Flightless Foul."

Just a curiosity of mine, Eddie, but do you have any heroes? People you look up to?

"I've always found ‘take charge' guys to be fascinating. For heroes, I'd have to say former US Secretary of State Alexander Haig, and also Former US Vice President Dick Cheney."

Gentlemen, thanks for joining us. We'll be back after this message from our sponsors... OK, we're clear.

Thanks Big-O, hope you feel better soon. Eddie, I have to ask, what's with the cookies?

"Learned that from Herb Brooks. Evidently the '80 Olympic team knew they were in for a big set of ‘Herbies' if Brooks walked in carrying a whistle and a couple bags of Chips Ahoy. They don't show it in the movie, but Craig was the first to puke after that warm up game against Norway, and he was over 300 pounds and pre-diabetic by the end of the Olympics."

"Blow the whistle, Craig. Again..." I get it. Thanks for that fun bit of trivia. Green room is off stage that way. Feel free to take the fruit baskets and a couple of sodas.

Good grief. Hey Vic, who found that Patrick character?

"I think it was the new intern."

Guy's on a tank racing show and he's talking about a hockey team? Is it that Carson kid?

"No, he got picked up by ESPN. I think he's producing director for the X-Games or something."

Which one did we get?

"Scratch."

My god, how did he get that nickname? He was too stoned in the interview to scratch his balls. Why did we hire him?

"You said to keep the guys we hired to kidnap Pierre close so we could keep an eye on them."

He's become a liability. Deal with him. When do we go on?

"We've been live since the end of the interview."

Really... Shit. I thought we were going to commercial.

"There aren't any. The only sponsor we have after Doc's first little episode is The Count, himself."

So the show must go on. Maybe no one is watching... Hello race fans and welcome back to the NHL Tank Race 2015. Let's take a look at the standings.

By all appearances, our leader and last place tanks have both lost power. Buffing the Sword is falling back rapidly into the pack, and State of Denial has fallen off the back end of the field. Lauren Gardner, our trackside reporter, is reporting that State of Denial replaced their rear armor and it's like they attached an anchor. Buffing the Sword looked to have thrown off some pieces to drop weight, but the replacement parts they picked up may be slowing them down. Looking at the rest of the leader board, our old friend Lubricious has been hanging out near the front and looks ready to pounce. Forever '67 has lost ground and our wandering tank, The 5th Piggie, has taken third. Cane Mutiny stands alone in 5th. Sixth through 10th is a total jumble with lots of trading of paint going on. Roy's Waldo may be having engine problems. Although they aren't really falling back, they are making some strange noises and throwing up a cloud of smoke.

I'd like to thank our guests today, Craig Patrick and Eddie Johnston. I'm Twiggy, and for our crew at NHL Tank Race 2015, thanks and good night.

Prior Episodes:

- Episode 1
- Episode 2
- Episode 3
- Episode 4
- Episode 5
- Episode 6

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