Proven Winner for Next Avs Coach

You've looked at the rest, prepare for the best. Proven Winner: Bates Battaglia

I'm surprised his name hasn't come up for more vacant positions to be honest. What has he done to warrant consideration?

  • How about 198 points with 5 NHL teams over 580 games spanning a 10+ year career?
  • 21 points in 42 playoff games.
  • He's a former Av with 17 regular season games and 7 playoff games to his credit. So he's still an incestuous choice, but more like 3rd cousin who's kinda blossoming early and catching you unawares to her hotness.
  • Dug scorpions out of the sand in Botswana
  • Represented Team USA three times with a 2004 World Championship Bronze to his credit.
  • I believe he's played in every league in the world: NCAA, AHL, CHL, ECHL, NHL, SM-1, Swe. 2nd, 2nd GBun., AFL2, WNBA, etc.
  • Water skiing with Nile Crocodiles
  • Name recognition along with the other famous Bates of history: Henry Walter, Norman, Kathy, Master, etc.
  • May have mob connections but I've been instructed to not talk about them.
  • Played in Toronto; was a Whaler for about 3 seconds before becoming a Hurricane; played in Syracuse and Rochester, NY, Tulsa, OK, and Gulfport, MS (voluntarily): played in only the finest locations in Europe (Helsinki, Weißwasser, Karlskrona). So he's well traveled professionally.
  • Been to the UK, France, New Zealand, and French Polynesia. With his brother. WHO ALSO PLAYED HOCKEY!!!!
  • Still not as qualified as Cammi Granato, but we won't bring that up.

Most importantly though, he's a proven winner. What has he won, you ask? Just a little thing called THE AMAZING RACE!!!! Dude drug a pair of blond country-signing hotties around the world just for our entertainment experience. He lacks teeth but still completed all the tasks including BASE jumping, playing bagpipes, and being associated with the Washington Nationals. To me that speaks of dedication, patience, courage, wisdom beyond his years, exquisite taste, and bowels of steel. All of those qualities would serve him will in our apathetic market with a woeful roster of "defensemen" and "talent." Plus he just won $500k so maybe Eno$ can get him at a discount. He's at least as qualified as a somebody who's never coached anything other than teenagers, has a frenchy-sounding name, will always be associated with this, or a guy with a hand in this, right?

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