I'm watching the Flames broadcast tonight. Roger Millions is doing play-by-play. Instead of Charlie Simmer, though, the color guy is – and I'm not making this up – Theoren Fleury.
The other Theo, Jose Theodore, is in net tonight,playing against Mikka Kipprusoff
1st Period
20:00 Stastny, Hejduk and Wolski start the game. There was talk that Wolski would swap with Ryan Smyth on the Sakic line, but that doesn't seem to have happened. Millions asks Fleury about the last Pepsi Center matchup when the Flames got a fast start but ended up losing. Fleury's response: "Yeah, well *cough*hopefully they can get, uh, get 'er goin' right now." You think that was scripted?
19:30 "Woyski" does something. I miss Haynes and McNab already.
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18:46 Svatos is described as "all-shoot, no pass". Fleury adds that he's a Cy Young candidate.
18:13 Smyth's drive to the net is stopped, but Andres Eriksson hooks him on the way. Colorado goes on the PP.
17:32 It's probably unfair to say this, but Fleury sounds smashed. Whether he is shitfaced or not isn't really all that important – he SOUNDS terrible. Doesn't anyone audition these guys to see how they sound before putting them in a booth?
16:55 A turnover leads to a Moss breakaway. Svatos has no choice but to pull Moss down. The powerplay is over.
15:21 Flames score with 4 seconds left on the PP. There's a scramble in front. Theodore goes down to stop the puck, but is slow to recover. The puck finds its way out to Tanguay in the slot and Tanguay rips it high past Theodore.
14:43 Craig Conroy goes off. I'd like to think it's a delayed call on the Wolski interference hit from last year, but I don't think they can do that. It's for unsportsmanlike conduct, but I have no clue what happened. Neither do Millions and Fleury.
13:59 Sarich crosschecks Ryan Smyth in front of the net, and then Kipper slashes Smyth. Neither are called. They do nab Regehr for a slash on Sakic, though. One out of three ain't bad.
13:30 I feel bad for saying this, but Fleury is simply brutal. Even my wife has noticed. She's begging me to mute the TV.
11:30 Lappy and Guite get a 2 on 1. Lappy's shot is stopped by Kirpusoff.
9:39 Because this is a PPV broadcast, there's no commercials. Meaning, there's no break from Fleury's mumbling.
8:53 "Iginla and Tanguay have been the two best players on the ice so far, so that's good for the Flames." Gee, you think?
6:31 Parker is out with Sakic and Smyth.
5:58 As bad as this is for me, I wonder about the good people of Calgary, who have PAID MONEY to listen to Fleury tonight. Ouch.
5:00 Conroy levels Sauer (legally, for a change). Then he turns the puck over.
4:34 And then he gets sent to the box for hooking.
3:53 Brunette scores on the PP. Smyth drops it to Liles, Liles moves it across to Sakic. Sakic fires a hard pass to Brunette right next to the net. Brunette gets an easy deflection to tie the game.
2:57 Hejduk goes off a little gingerly. Perhaps more back trouble.
:42 Tanguay gets a delay of game penalty for firing the puck over the glass. Hejduk is out on the PP.
2nd Period
19:45 Millions and Fleury are still complaining about the Tanguay penalty (since the puck hit the camera above the glass, they feel that somehow should be legal).
18:23 Avs are outshooting the Flames 20-6.
17:48 Cumiskey's sloppy clearing attempt goes right to a Flame in the neutral zone.
17:00 Phaneuf loses the puck to an aggressive forecheck from Tyler Arnason. It leads to several good chances for the Avs.
15:01 It's all Colorado lately.
14:47 Tanguay drops Wojtek Wolski to the ice. Is that kind of like a woman slashing the tires of her ex-husband's new young girlfriend?
13:07 re: Laperriere: "Yeah, he's been around for a while, huh?" It's like he's trying to do a really bad MacKenzie brothers impersonation.
11:31 Calgary gets their best chance(s) on Theodore.
10:35 Smith makes a good play to break up a Yelle scoring chance.
9:58 Millions and Fleury are practically begging for the Flames to get a PP, because all the calls have gone to the Avs so far.
8:55 Great chance there, the Flames turn it over to Stastny.
8:45 They get back into the zone. Hejduk shoots and Wolski deflects it 5-hole. 2-1 Colorado. Sauer is on the ice as well (he gets an assist), so he and Wolski both bolster their good +/- numbers.
6:49 I'm afraid of what will happen after I type this, but the Avs have done a great job staying out of the box tonight.
5:49 Laperriere fights with Eric Nystrom. Nystrom fares better than Godard did against Parker a few games ago. Both landed a bunch of punches. Lappy, though, ended up bleeding from a cut or two over his left eye.
3:41 Sarich gets called for a hook on Cumiskey.
2:34 Kipper ROBS Paul Stastny. Huge glove save.
1:39 And an even bigger save on Andrew Brunette walking in. Brilliant kick save.
3rd Period
Parker apparently got a 10 minute misconduct at the end of the 2nd period. I missed it.
19:15 3-1 Colorado. Wolski goes to the boards and two Flames follow him. He finds Stastny all alone in front of Kipprusoff and Stastny buries it.
15:59 Guite hits Phaneuf at the blueline, waking up everyone at the Pepsi Center. Hits isn't the right word. Guite throes Phaneuf to the ice.
12:53 Colorado is slowing things down as much as possible.
11:34 Lappy and Nystrom have a long chat before the faceoff. It didn't look contentious, though. Fighters are funny.
9:59 Now that we're 10 minutes in, we thankfully have the services of Parker back.
9:42 The Stastny line does it again. Hejduk gets it to Wolski in the crease. Wolski is tied up, but is able to dish to a wide open Stastny. Stastny gets another easy goal. 4-1 Colorado. This one's well in hand.
9:29 Matt Keetley replaces Kipper. Nystrom and Lappy are chatting again.
9:00 Not Calgary's night. Regehr clears a puck and it goes into the Flames' bench and tags Marcus Nilson in the face.
7:32 There was a point in the recent past when we couldn't beat the Flames and it was always such an intimidating matchup. I think that's all but gone now. How many straight have we beat the Flames? I'll have to find that answer for my recap tomorrow. It's at least 4.
4:06 The Avs have just 2 shots on goal this period. They've scored on both.
4:00 There's 3 shots. Not a goal.
3:11 Just because I've stopped writing about Fleury's awfulness doesn’t mean he's not still saying dumb things. I'm just tired of typing them.
That does it. Colorado wins 4-1. Theodore wins without having to work very hard. Nice win for the Avs.