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Game 20 Recap: Mike's Version

Here's a brief recap of what I saw during the game for those who came to MHH looking for our usual stellar post-game content.

First Period: Jerseys didn't look horrible to me, but they didn't look spectacular either. As for the actual play on the ice, everybody looked like they were stuck in first gear for the first ten minutes or so. The first goal against, new guy Priessing tried to play the pass instead of the perennial All-Star streaking down the slot. After the initial shot hit the post, he was therefore facing the wrong direction to even realize that he wasn't in the right place. And he was on top of Anderson. Good times. One of the best things about that play was how the Cunucks started their breakout down 3-2, but finished up 4-3. I know McLeod isn't the fastest and Jones won't blow anybody's hair back, but still.... Anyway, the Avs were down 1-0 after less than two minutes, but we've seen that a handful of times already this season, so no panic.

2nd Goal was pretty craptastic too. Anderson got pwned by the trapezoid, but even more troubling was that the Avs were content to let Anderson and Quincey handle the breakout all by themselves. Where was the 2nd defenseman? Where were the back-checking wingers? Were they changing? We can file that under "DO NOT ATTEMPT" for game-tape purposes.

Goal 3: Ohh Adam Foote. Playing defense involves blocking shots AND moving your feet. You can't do the second part if you can't get up after the first part. Also, my love affair with Cumiskey is over. He got pwned in the corner (a reoccurring theme in the resent spat of games), and then chased the puck around, doing nothing while the Canucks cycled the puck to the tune of three shots and a goal within about three seconds time.

So they're down 3-0 after about 11 minutes of the first. I'm having fun, but Joe Sacco looks like he can't stop vomiting in his mouth. The Avs have a couple of good shifts (I thought Jones' play was pretty good), but I distinctly remember thinking on more than one occasion that "maybe Quincey isn't a #1 d-man after all" and that "Cumiskey may have no other skills than speed." I also thought Hejduk looked like he was really laboring at times. I'm pretty sure that game tape of the first period will also reveal that Priessing was out of position more than he was in position. If that doesn't change, I hope he has a bunch of suits to wear to all the pressboxes around the league...

So end of one, the fans ain't happy (including this one) and the players don't seem happy either.I don't wanna watch them disect the period during intermission report (especially since I'm watching Vancouver's feed) so I start flipping channels. Suddenly, Famke Janssen was a total bitch to her ex-husband at their daughter's 17th birthday party even though it was painfully obvious her new husband has a tiny penis.

Seriously, who buys a 17-year-old girl a pony? Rich pricks with an inferiority complex, that's who. Still, Famke is smoking hot and I can forgive her a multitude of sins (except X-men 3. That shit was horrible). The ex-husband (Liam) gets a job working security for some Shakira wannabe and proceeds to get kung fu panda on some dude that tries to stab her. She’s grateful for him saving her life, but in a surprising show of restraint by Hollywood, does not automatically fall in love with Liam. All in a night's work for someone who’s obviously a badass. Am I right?

Anyway, whiny 17-year-old daughter (who has some serious hotty potential in a girl-next-door kind of vein) begs her totally badass dad to let her go to Paris with one of her ditzy friends for the summer. Liam (her dad) is skeptical, especially after another dose of Famke-hate. Still, he thinks it over and decides to let her go "experience the world." He makes her promise to call, not talk to strangers, etc. She then totally betrays his trust when she fails to tell him that she's not going to Paris, but following U2 around Europe. If she was my daughter, I'd refuse to let her go and then disown her. U2? Seriously? She's 17. She can't identify with their music. The producers couldn't get Death Cab or Arcade Fire to let them use their name?

Daughter and her obviously slutty friend land in Frogland and immediately start chatting up the obvious greaseball that cons his way into sharing a cab with them. Slutty friend then tells greaseball Frenchy everything about what they're doing including that they are by themselves and that she's up for anything. She might has well have hung a "RAPE ME" sign around her neck. A couple of minutes later she confirms her role in the world when she rags on her friend for not "giving it up" and that should she totally get horizontal with random French dudes that night. She even decides that she's going to bang Greaseball that evening. She's a winner, through and through.

Daughter still hasn't called and dad is a gettin' worried so he starts to call her. She finally picks up and then guess what? A bunch of bad dudes show up to kidnap her and the uber-slut. Liam has her hide under the bed while he calms her down and tells her what’s what. He gathers enough info via the phone as they kidnap her that he gets some leads from his old Black Ops buddies. He drops a load of reality on Famke and flies to Paris tout sweet. He gets there, does some CSI-level work at the scene of the crime and manages to get a photo of Greaseball off of his daughter’s phone. He tracks Greaseball down at the airport (where he’s trolling for more victims) and proceeds to rearrange the dude's internal organs. During a scuffle with an accomplice, Greaseball flees the scene only to get smoked by a semi as he’s crossing the street.

Liam tracks down one of his old French buddies and tells him that he’s about to open a can of death and destruction on the City of Lights unless he can find the bad guys who intend to sell his daughter into slavery. French buddy (I’ll call him Weasel for the rest of this recap; You’ll see why later) tells Liam that he can’t go around smoking dudes because it would make his (Weasel’s) cushy desk job as some secret intelligence muckity-muck more difficult. Liam tracks down some bad guys at a construction site, kills most of them during a running gun-battle and a sweet late-night Jeep/Audi chase. He rescues a teenage girl from these heinous guys and takes her to a hotel to detox her. She gives him a lead on the house where she met his daughter. Soon after that, Weasel tries to outfox our hero but gets nothing. Next, Liam pretends to be Weasel, gets in the house the girl told him about and straight up drops a cargo plane of carnage on everybody he finds there. He also finds the body of the uber-slut friend of his daughter. He tortures the one guy he left living long enough to get the name of the guy who’s in charge of the slave trade in Paris.

Liam goes back to Weasel and accuses Weasel of standing in his way and possibly having something to do with the rash of kidnappings in Paris. Weasel pulls a gun on him, but Liam had already taken the bullets out cuz he’s a champ. Liam’s gun IS loaded however, and to prove that he will do anything it takes to find his daughter, shoot’s Weasel’s wife (it’s just a flesh wound, don’t worry). Weasel capitulates and tells Liam everything he needs to know to find the head slave dude. Liam introduces Weasel’s face to his desk and goes a-huntin’.

He gets to the dude’s house, but there’s a bunch of stuffed shirts and wannabe’s having a party. Liam sneaks downstairs to where all the action is, and witnesses his daughter being auctioned off to some sleazoids. Then he gets jumped and knocked out. They try to scare Liam, but he rips the pipe he’s hand-cuffed to off of the ceiling and kills three dudes. Then he kills another dude and kneecaps the head slaver. Slaver, in a weak attempt to save his own skin, tells Liam where to find his daughter. Liam thanks him by giving him a double tap to the skull.

Liam chases down the boat where his daughter is being kept, jumps on it from a bridge overhead and pulls a nice Solid Snake tuck-roll-kill move on the one guard. He throws one jabroney overboard and proceeds to collect guns for the final showdown. He’s spotted by one of the dudes from the auction house. Ohh no, will our hero be able to find his daughter now that HE’S being hunted? Of course, he starts ventilating fools left and right until he gets to the bedroom where some fat sheik has his daughter all set for some horizontal mumbo action. Fatty Sheik pulls a wicked curved knife on the daughter and tries to talk Liam down. Liam decides talk is cheap and BOOM HEADSHOT!

Liam takes his daughter back home, Famke isn’t grateful enough (but is still hot enough to forgive) and life returns to normal.

I check back and the final score is 8-2. WTF happened?

*Editor's Note: I MAY have forgotten to flip back to the game after finding Taken OnDemand.