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Checking Out Someone Who's Not a Hockey Player

(Due to contractual obligations, I am forbidden from publishing a Checking Out article about hockey personnel today...even if no one else is going to publish such an article, eliminating any possibility of reducing the number of hits any other site would receive. Thus, I must force-feed you an article you may have absolutely no desire to read.)

Timothy Richard "Tim" Tebow is an American football quarterback for the Denver Broncos. Drafted 25th by the Broncos in the 2010 NFL draft, Tebow immediately became a fan favorite. He is expected to lead the struggling Broncos to another Superbowl at some point in the near (or not so much) future. The 23-year-old has played 6 games so far in his NFL career, during which time he has completed one pass for 3 yards. That was good enough for a touchdown, however, so his overwhelming praise is clearly much deserved.


Tebow began playing football when he was just a boy, throwing the pig-skin around with his neighborhood buddies. As he enjoyed telling his friends what to do, it became apparent early on that he was destined to be the main man on the football field. He played quarterback for Nease High School in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, where he showed enough talent to gain him national recognition as a top prospect among high school players. He enrolled at the University of Florida with a scholarship where he posted impressive numbers for the Gators, including completing 661 passes in 985 attempts, good for 88 touchdowns. He was sacked 53 times and threw 15 interceptions. Apparently, Lord Howard Tebow isn’t invinicible.

Tebow was considered a dual threat quarterback as he was adept at both rushing and passing. As a freshman, he was used as a back-up who allegedly helped the Gators win the national championship for the first time since 1996.  During his sophomore season in 2007, he proved himself as a top-tier player by setting a record for rushing and passing and became the first soph to win the Heisman Trophy. He also earned a bunch of other shit including the Maxwell Award as the nation's top football player, the Davey O'Brien Award as the nation's best quarterback, and the James E. Sullivan yada yada yada. His high completion rate and touchdown numbers had something to do with it, apparently. In his junior year, Tebow single-handedly and without any help from anyone led the Gators to a 12-1 record. After clinching the Southeastern Conference Eastern Division title, the team played for and won the SEC title in the 2008 SEC Championship Game against the Alabama Crimson Tide. The win secured the #2 ranking in the final BCS standings, which earned the Gators the chance to do something really important which impressed a bunch of people and inspired college students all over Florida to get ridiculously drunk and have sex with random people who think a huddle is a group hug. He refused to allow himself to be considered for the Playboy Preseason All-American team prior to that year because it conflicted with his religious beliefs, but by the end of the year, the adoration was enough for him to agree to be on the cover of Men’s Fitness magazine, showing off his award-winning studliness (because slicking yourself up with oil and posing as if you’re in Playgirl magazine is okay while a contest bearing the name of beautiful women simply isn’t).

Tebow didn’t win the Heisman that year and ended up having surgery over the summer to repair his shoulder, which apparently caused him problems for years to come as he never returned to the promise of his mid-college years year. Glory days, indeed.

After passing on the 2009 NFL Draft for his senior season at Florida, Tebow went on to enter the 2010 NFL Draft. Despite his college success, Tebow's NFL potential was much debated. According to former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden, he could "revolutionize" the pro game. Says Gruden: "Tim Tebow is 250 pounds, and he's the strongest human being that's ever played the position (really???). He can throw well enough at any level." Former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy said he would pick Tebow with a top 10 pick, and would take him over any quarterback in the 2010 draft. On the other hand, NFL analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. believed Tebow didn’t not have the intangibles to play quarterback in the NFL (I’m thinking he’s on to something). "I don't think he can be a fulltime quarterback. I don't think he can be the quarterback of the future for you, but I do think in the third round, maybe the second round, he'll be the same as Pat White", said Kiper.

Ultimately, the Broncos, in their infinite wisdom, drafted Tebow 25th overall in the 2010 draft. Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels said about his two first-round selections, which included Tebow, "We want players who are tough, smart, have great character, love football and are passionate about coming here and helping the Broncos win a championship. I think both players fit that role and I think that's something that we’re looking for in all of our players. What we’re trying to build here is team chemistry and a team that cares about winning and winning a championship, and that's it." He also added specifically about Tebow, "He has all the traits you look for. It's a good pick." (Oh reeaarrry? Didn’t you just get fired, dude?) Tebow responded in an interview by saying "My greatest joy in Denver, is going to be to repay Coach McDaniels for believing in me." (Well, so much for repaying that debt, eh Tim?) Tebow also mentioned his critics: "I just have a passion to play football. When you do things different than other people sometimes do them, and you don't settle for just being average, you open yourself up for criticism. But I'm ready for it. I've learned to live with it. I never just wanted to do things the same way everybody else does."

Unfortunately, the Broncos were idiots. Despite the fact that he’s set all sorts of records - in merchandise sales - Tebow has been an utter and total disappointment. I mean, come on, he’s played 6 freaking games and only completed one pass. Of course, that gives him a 100% completion rate because he’s only attempted one pass. But hey, that ended up in a touchdown, so WOOHOOO! Go TEBOW!  It should be noted, however, that the pass was for only 3 yards.  woohoo tebow, indeed.

Tim Tebow’s future looks bright, especially if you take into consideration the fact that on April 8, 2010, Tebow was announced as the cover athlete for all three game platforms of the upcoming video game NCAA Football 11. I mean, if that doesn’t spell out major success in a pro-career, I don’t know what does.

References Completely plagiarized -- because I couldn’t care less about football -- from: