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Stars Win First Half of Back-to-Back, 4-2 on Strength of Raycroft's Play

The AHL affiliate of the Colorado Avalanche, featuring a few of the main club’s stars of Matt Duchene, Milan Hejduk, and Erik Johnson, lost 4-2 in Dallas earlier tonight. Colorado chose to play its AHL affiliate against the Dallas Stars however the NHLers were on loan to prevent the playoff push of the Stars. John Grahame reportedly snuck into the game while wearing a Ray Macias jersey. He supposedly wanted one last shot at the big show. The highlight of the game however, was the first ever hat trick by the backup goalie Andrew Raycroft; oddly all on the penalty kill.


Despite the loss, the Avalanche’s AHL affiliate played some passionate hockey last night. After investigative reporting, it seems General Manager Sherman made a stop by the locker room before the game. By virtue of a hidden recorder and a stenographer named Adrian Dater, we have the transcript of his inspirational and passionate speech: "Gentleman, oh and Brandon Yip, I am afraid we are not going to make the playoffs. I know I promised a return trip but that fell flat. However, not all is lost; we are stuck in Texas. I cannot promise a win but I can promise that will not place any boots on the ground in Dallas. Since there are no boots on the ground, there is plenty of room for tanks so please play this one for Lil’ Tank!"


The turning point of the game was not Andrew Raycroft’s first goal of the game, which was somehow assisted by Chris Stewart and Kevin Shattenkirk, but rather a bizarre twist that came in the second period. The Avalanche had a 5 on 3 opportunity 4:40 into the second when Raycroft stopped a point shot and shot the puck into the neutral zone. As the puck rolled gently toward Brian Elliott, Elliot became seemingly confused by the speed of this enigmatic black rubber thing and went into the precautionary butterfly stance. The puck then slid through his five-hole at an agonizingly slow pace and crossed the goal line for Raycroft’s second goal of the game. After the game Elliott said he was just worried about not giving up a large rebound, which he did manage to prevent.

Shortly after the first goal there was a sign in the stands that said "Shoulda signed me dickheads." Initial rumors indicated that Matt Hendricks was holding it. TJ Oshie cried in elation as the trainer’s soft hands slowly slid down his arm. Reports out of Dallas say that Peter McNab was on his way to remove Hendricks by force. He is reported to be carrying multiple shoes, and swinging them above his head. There are rumors that that some boos came from the crowd and Tom Pressing was subsequently escorted out. The escorting of Preissing distracted security long enough for Olli Jokinen to run down to the lower bowl and toss frozen waffles onto the ice.


Dallas fans missed the second period when Porter shot so wide, the puck hit a pipe that burst in the restrooms, forcing everyone to go across the street. Contrary to what actually happened on ice, Ryan Wilson then smashed Steve Ott so hard that the number "9" on Mike Modano’s Red Wings jersey fell off in the second period of last night's Detroit game, shattering the space-time barrier with the hit. Chris Osgood mistook the remaining 0 for a vagina and mounted Modano from behind. It was subsequently noted by the Altitude booth that the former Dallas alternate "uterus" logo is actually a life size representation of Steve Ott’s vagina post op.


In a valiant effort to crush the Stars playoff hopes, Avalanche forward/defender/pugalist David Koci was seen eating nachos in the press box even though he was dressed for the game. Center Matt Duchene launched a puck directly at Koci standing behind the glass. Koci dropped his nachos and his breezers, and stuck his bare cheeks to the glass.  The puck deflected off of the left ass cheek and into the net over Raycroft’s glove hand.


The game was close entering the 3rd period but bad luck reared its ugly head. Not ugly in the Corsi way, but ugly in the Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose way. The Avalanche were pressuring the Stars and it seemed that the Stars had committed a penalty with a check to the head of Jonas Holos. As the ref raised his hand to make the call, Brian Elliott took off for the bench. At this time Gary Bettman called the American Airlines Arena and informed them that the penalty was not a penalty and that the Avs should be penalized for misuse of opportunism and breach of contract; we aren’t sure what contract. Regardless, with Elliott on the bench, Andrew Raycroft took control of the puck and fired into the Avs’ open net for his 2rd goal of the game. Primary assists on Raycroft's 2nd and 3rd goals went to Marc Crawford while secondary assists to Kevin Shattenkirk (giving him 3 points for the night), and for some reason tertiary assist to Radim Vrbata. Oddly enough, on ice for both goals was Kyle Cumiskey wearing clown shoes instead of skates. Due to the aforementioned damage to the space-time continuum, nobody remembers how Raycroft scored the third goal.


Sacco, not satisfied with giving the Stars 3 goals, pulls Elliot and replaces him with an empty water battle. Unfortunately the water bottle doesn’t allow anymore goals and has been demoted to Lake Erie by Sacco. It is reported that Sherman has approached the water bottle with a multi million dollar contract for next season. The water bottle understood that there is a high probability it would be bought out of its contract so that the Avs may reach the salary cap floor. On a humorous note, a fan behind Elliott (now on the bench) wearing a white sports coat broke every single bone in his hand trying to intimidate Erik Johnson by banging on the glass.


The game did not end without controversy. Gary Bettman revealed that he thinks "charity point" means "canadian point". He immediately rewarded Colorado 10 points in the standings which ensured Edmonton and Ottawa receive the first two picks in the upcoming draft.



Handy Linkage

Slow Hits

  • Per an Avalanche Press Release: Calvin Pickard has embarked upon a quest of epic proportions. He must seek out the man humbly known as Saint Patrick Roy. Disgusted by the Avs goaltending situation, he understands that they need a true hero in the net, and only Roy will show him the way. This journey may take a few years, but Pickard is determined to bring hope to the organization. On a related note, every time Bad Elliott walks by a picture of Patrick Roy, he goes temporarily blind and loses feeling in his appendages.
  • Groove Subaru has promised that for every game lost, they will donate a used Legacy station wagon to a small child in Russia. Being the kind hearted souls they are, the Avalanche players have ensured Groove's donation is ample in size.
  • In league news, the Vancouver Canucks accepted the Presidents trophy. Prior to any Canuck player actually accepting the trophy, Jimmy Howard crept out from the shadows, grabbed the trophy and scampered back off into the shadows. Cries of "My preccciooouuusss!" were heard for miles. Consequently, the NHL has requested a pesticide company develop a Red Wings spray for the Presidents Trophy. Evidently, the Red Wings are unable to comprehend any situation where they do not own the Presidents trophy; much like mosquitos (who carry malaria and everyone hates) who cannot help but fly into a bright light to their deaths. The Red Wings are like a centuries-old cactus wrapped in used toilet paper.
  • Due to economic sanctions by local Chinese restaurants, the Avs can no longer kill kittens after dismal power play outings. Therefore fans have now resorted to the bloody practice of clubbing seals.
  • Not surprisingly at this point in the season, the Avalanche suffered a few injuries. Matt Duchene came down with cerebral meningitis after scoring a goal and has been quarantined by the CDC for the 2011-2012 season. Even stranger than that, it seems Hejduk has been deported by ICE for violating customs in 1998 and can never re-enter the country. The Avs also lost Erik Johnson when the bench underneath him collapsed into the basement of the American Airlines Arena.
  • Also of note, regardless of the passing of trade deadline, T.J. Hensick was acquired from the Blues in exchange for an Andrew Raycroft signed puck. The Stars organization promised him top 6 minutes and that he would lead the charge into the playoffs. Hensick is to take the faceoff at the beginning of the third period. The Denver Post is reporting a former credentialed blogger who write under the nickname DetAvs or Thomas, became Hensick's agent prior to the trade. It is reported that Darcy Tucker had approached Hensick about representing him, but T.J. has claimed that he would rather earn his paycheck instead of being bought out of his contract. Hensick is expecting to reach the 50 point plateau before the end of the regular season.
  • Upon hearing of the trade between Dallas and the Blues, Sherman, not wanting to be outdone, picked up the phone. In an attempt to bolster the blue line, he acquired Brett Clark from the Lightning. All in exchange for a picture of Matt Duchene. Duchene by the way is grounded and sentenced to cleaning the bathrooms at the Foote residence for not leading the Avs to the playoffs this year. When contacted about the 2nd intermission trades made by both clubs, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman's jaw dropped to the floor. His secretary quickly brought him his stepladder so that he could reach the telephone on his Playskool desk. Bettman immediately fined the Avalanche organization for salary cap circumvention and awarded the Dallas Stars organization by sending a card that oddly enough appears to have come from a stack of "Chance" cards from a game of Monopoly. It is reported that the words "Get out of moving to Winnipeg free." were printed on the surface.
  • It's reported that former Dallas goaltender Marty Turco lost a 5 dollar wager he made with a fan. The wager was over whether or not Datysuk did in fact complete a hat trick at the position of goaltender first. Results notwithstanding, the NHL credited the goals to Jimmy Howard.
  • A whole bunch of guys played in tonight's game. At least 30, which is different from 20. Still no word from prominent bloggers as to whether the Tank was despicable.
  • My Three Stars for the game as voted on by people who really watch the Avalanche vs. Stars game:
  • First Star: Jimmy Howard: I went to type Raycroft but my fingers ouijied the keyboard and typed Jimmy Howard.
    Second Star: Andrew Raycroft - 3 goals, GAA of 1.00. First goalie in NHL history to score 3 goals in a game with 2 of them coming on the penalty kill.
    Third Star: Bernie. During the second intermission he sucker punched Steve Ott, killing him instantly. The league called and said Bernie should be rewarded for this. Why Bernie was in Dallas?  He was the third man on the grassy knoll.

    When contacted about the Bernie vs. Ott incident, forwards Matt Cooke and Cal Clutterbuck both agreed that it was a clean hit. Todd Bertuzzi was seen in the background nodding in approval. The video was quickly posted on the Puck Daddy Blog. It had to be removed quickly because the posters in the comment section kept crediting Pavel Datsyuk for inventing Bernie first and also killing Steve Ott 3 years before Bernie did.

    • In a shocking post-game move made by the Avalanche organization, Sherman announced they will be pursuing an elite goaltender for the upcoming season. Brimming with excitement, he could no longer contain himself and blurted out that the Avalanche and New York Islanders have already struck a deal that will take effect on July 1st, 2011 involving the exchange of Rick DiPietro for David Koci, Erik Johnson, John Michael Liles, and Matt Duchene. He also hinted that Coach Sacco will be naming Matt Hunwick the captain of the 2011-2012 Colorado Avalanche. "We're excited to add Rick to our roster for next season," said Sherman. "We think his combination of talent, skill, and man-games lost to injury make him the perfect fit for the Avalanche organization moving forward." "I'm also pleased to announce the hiring of a full time goaltending coach, Mike, and I'll just spell his last name since I can't pronounce it, At sign-M-H-H," Sherman continued.



    Next Up

    The Stars come a-callin' to Denver Friday night.