Avs Sin Early, Often Lose to San Trope 4-0 (I heard that's what they prefer to be called...)

The game started with the same jump, nay VIGOR that the Avs exhibited in the 4-0 beatdown they put on Columbus earlier this week. They were flying around, hitting everything in retina-searing teal (with safety-cone orange highlights because FUCK! why not??). San Jose Sharks backup goalkeeper Thomas Greiss was busy from the first minute of the game. Colorado's aggressive forecheck kept the Tiberons hemmed in their own end for the first half of the period. In fact, it was over 7 minutes into the game before Semyon Varlamov had to make a save.

With this early-and-often pressure the Avs managed to generate two power play opportunities. The first was well executed, slick, precise and generated multiple scoring opportunities that never went in. The second was...not as good and had little of merit to show for it. The two kills put some steam in the shorts for the Sharts and they start to answer the bell about halfway through the first.

Then the turning point of the game occurred when glass-jawed Brad Stuart targeted Avalanche captain Gabriel Landeskog with a shoulder to the head during on open-ice hit. Ryan O`Byrne immediately dispensed some justice with a beatdown. Said beatdown earns him 19 minutes in penalties for a variety of reasons that no doubt warm the cockles of Don Cherry's decrepit heart. Landeskog limped off the ice and would not return for the remainder of the period. Mark Olver took his place on the top line. Fuck. I can't believe I just wrote that.

The Sharts got an extended power play opportunity from the hit and reaction. During the penalty kill, everyone decided to play a cruel prank on Varlamov but forgetting how to function on a penalty kill. The Sharks score, and then score again. The second one was really exciting to watch as RYAN WILSON COMPLETELY FORGOT WHAT THE FUCK HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO ON A PENALTY KILL.

The Avs decided that that was such a new and exciting way to play hockey they'd go ahead and start the second period in a similar manner: Take penalties and then let San Jose do whatever they want in the 10-foot radius immediately around the Colorado crease. Shockingly, Joe Thorton gets a tap in as it appears that Colorado was so pleased with their PK work against Columbus the other night that they'll never practice or execute it again. 3-0 Sharks. That penalty was on P.A. Parenteau for anybody who gives a squirt.

The Avs worked their way back into the game in the middle of the second frame and started to use their speed and forecheck to give San Trope fits again. Landeskog returned to the ice just as O`Byrne gets out of the box. John Mitchell decided that he really wants to be a part of this team, so he took a hooking a penalty. The Avs ACTUALLY manage to kill it off, but just after employing a new strategy called "We'll play defense by falling all over the front of the crease and see what happens!", some dude I've never heard of scored with a lazer of a shot over Varlamov's right shoulder. The period mercifully ended a few minutes later and, since I had this on tape delay, I went ahead and fast forwarded to the end.

Nothing else happened. Nothing. Ohhh, wait. J.S. Giguire was put in net for the third. Apparently there was some mutual douchery toward the end of the period, judging by the list of penalties in the boxscore. Feel free to chastise me for skipping over that. Then feel free to go sit on a rusty tire iron and twirl.

• Yeah.....no.

• Landeskog - Duchene - Parenteau


• McGinn - Stastny - Jones


• McLeod - Mitchell - Hejduk


• Bordeleau - Olver - Kobasew

• Johnson - Wilson


• O`Byrne - Hejda


• Zanon - Hunwick

• The penalty kill unit looked repre-fucking-hensible. Quick enough for you?
• You know what isn't quick? Greg Zanon.
• I thought Varly did everything he could do to stop those first three goals tonight. He had a wall of San Jose players in front of him on those PP goals and didn't get jack or even shit for help. You wanna bag on him for the fourth? Go ahead, but I don't see how any right-thinking fan can hang any of those others on him.
• I may never do a recap again. Dave doesn't pay me enough to sit through this shit. I'm sure there were some home improvement shows that I could have watched before slitting my wrists.
  
• SJ's on-air crew is the epitome of smarmy SoCal douche-baggerry. You wanna bag on a guy for asking you to pronounce his name correctly or in a manner that he prefers? Go Fuck Yourself Randy Handjob and Drew Ramada.

The Avalanche head for Edmonton to play the Oklahoma City Barons on Monday night.