clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

You can quote me

Three losses. 13 goals against. 5 goals for. Injuries. Lack of urgency. Systems not adjusting. Is it 2012? What are we gonna do? "We're in some real pretty shit now, man. That's it, man. Game over, man. Game over!"

Doug Pensinger

So, how 'bout them Broncos, am I right Denver? Why root for the other two squads? I mean, the Nuggets aren't gonna be any good, and the Avalanche has reverted back to lottery-ville right? You don't lose to two bad eastern conference teams and a division rival in the same week unless you are just a fucking horrible hockey team, right?

Setting aside my personal distaste for pro basketball (yeah, that was a travel not a Top 10 highlight, Lebron), let's talk about the OH NO WE SUCK AGAIN!! Avalanche. We can turn off Altitude and concentrate on the health of Peyton's ankle now, right? Seriously, even a cursory glance at the makeup of this squad reveals all the warts, so why bother?  We're all too old for this shit. They haven't made a meaningful big splash trade, they haven't gotten into a beer league-esque brawl with anybody, they don't have any swagger anymore, they were a flash in the pan earlier this season, etc. etc. etc.

Wrong.  If you, as a fan, ditch the Avalanche after this stretch of three games or even after the end of the month, where there's a good likelihood they could lose all of the next five games, then, well...


No, seriously: GO THE FUCK AWAY. You don't get it.  Fill your hands you son of a bitch! You don't have the requisite patience (or possibly knowledge) to see all the good going on with this team and put the bad in perspective.  You don't get hockey, especially the modern NHL game.  Parity is REQUIRED.  Anybody can beat anybody else on a given night.  Systems get broken, hell SHATTERED, by the right match-up and circumstances. San Jose, a left-coast fashionable Playoff and Western Conference Champ pick, has lost 8 games this season.  The defending champs, Chicago, have dropped five including their own stinker to the Predators a couple of nights ago. The Mild have dropped eight. Hell, the Capitals team that Colorado swept this season laid a 4-1 loss at the Blues' feet last night.  Buffalo has won 5 games you guys! Some motherfucker is always trying to ice skate uphill.

You know what you should be doing?  Having fun. This team is fun to watch for more than 90% of the time.  Yeah, they make mistakes.  Even normally-infallible players screw up at times. They play fast, and up-tempo, and in-your-face, and fast, and exciting and fast.  Why can't you enjoy that?  Is there something missing from your soul?  They're 14-5 for fuck's sake!! Even amongst some of the bad, there is good to be found:  Duchene dinged?  Root for MacKinnon to light the world on fire.  Miss Crazy Eyes Steve?  Let me introduce you to Cody McLeod.  Can't remember who the 4th top 3 draft pick on the team is?  His name is Erik and he's blossoming into a stud.  Our starting netminder looks like a video game character created by somebody who had a goalie loosely described to them.  Like accents?  Our coach and both goalies all are audiophiles' dreams! Our top winger dates a yoga instructor and may be turning into Willy Nelson before our very eyes!  Two words: BIG MEAT!

Root for 'em, criticize with appropriate aplomb, but root for the boys.  Give Roy and Co. more than a schizo 20+ games to turn the crap battleship that has been the team for the last three years.  Show up to the Can in droves.  Buy a ton of #29, #9, and #92 jerseys.  Ask to pet Talbot's face marmot (I heard it purrs).  Get Radar's autograph and ask him what conditioner he prefers. Volunteer to have Gabe's babies, if that's your thing. Offer to pay Balls $100 if he does this after scoring his first goal.  Get into it.  Don't harp on PDO, Corsi, unsustainable this, or regression that.  Let the pundits and analysts pound sand. Here comes two words for them: Shut the fuck up. Don't step on toes, Avs fans, step on necks.

Sports should be fun.  Being a fan should be enjoyable. We're not rooting for a tank anymore.  It's time that we metamorphosis into a better breed of Avalanche fan.  We have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and we're all out of bubblegum. We've finally got something good and we need to give the team our support now more than at any point in the last three years. This isn't a crap girlfriend who you know is cheating on you and it's only a matter of time before she gives you the clap.  This team is a keeper.  So let's keep them! You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.

It's pretty simple, really.  We can do this. It is not the time to get to the choppaaaaaaa! Let's rise to the fuckin' occasion, you guys.  Let's put the squad on our back and accentuate every hit, goal, spin-move, and toe save with fervor and metric shit-tons of pwnage.  Ever notice how every now and then you come across somebody you shouldn't have fucked with?  That's Avalanche fans.  Give the opposition hell and make them rue the day. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.  Dogs of war be slippin', y'all and nobody will be able to hear the cries of "Uncle" over the cries of "Havok!"  Mount up Avalanche fans.  Tomorrow night, and every night, WE RIDE!  Hell's coming with us!  Yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers!