Game 29 Recap: PHX wins 3-1 snoozer in Denver

I've got the dreaded head-moving-to-chest cold and am going to give you an unedited running tally of tonight's game.  Or, if you say any portion of the game, just multiply it by the flavor of cough syrup and you'll know how it turned out. I tried to talk First Grader into re-capping this one but he would rather do homework.

• According to Roy this is a big game. What's that mean Peter? It means it's a big game, Mike.
• PHX's 4th road game in a row.
• Former Shark Thomas Greiss in net for the ‘Yotes. That bodes well.
• Big save on a Keith Yandle cannon blast. Totes don't want that guy on my team...
• Much like Trey Wingo, I believe Kyle Chipchura is a fake name.
• First grader chimes in with this: If the Avalanche were here in Moore, what would they be called? THE TORNADOS!!
• Cody McLeod turnover with the Mirror Universe defensive pair on the ice. Against Radim Vrbata's line.
• Pretty back and forth so far. Semyon Varlamov having to make more quality saves.
• Dead building so far.
• Mrs. is surfing the net and her hometown minor league baseball team is moving from Huntsville to my old stomping ground on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Normally I'd say this was "Cuz of the racism" but that doesn't apply when you move TOO Mississippi.
• I'm not an expert, but Roy's body language looks...negative at the 13:30 mark.
• Huge save on Gabriel Landeskog's shot on the doorstep. Great pass from Nathan MacKinnon out of the corner.
• O-zone turnover by Jamie McGinn after he looked confused with where to go with it (backboards or point).
• Three solid shifts from the hometown boys.
• Rob Klinkhammer sounds like a comic book villain.
• Good shift from 4th line.
• Nate Guenin managed to clear a puck. 2 feet out of the zone. Thanks Nate. Destroyed my narrative for the night.
• Good steal by Ryan O`Reilly, worked up boards for a good Sarich shot.
• 3-on-2 rush, great shot by McGinn, but Greiss looked solid. Just like his pads. Pucks bouncing off those things like a trampoline.
• See Nate, Patrick Bordeleau can clear it and he has the mitts of a bricklayer!
• Great chance on the 2-on-1 with P.A. Parenteau and Maxim Talbot, but Greiss gets there in time to stop the tap in.
• Vrbata line doing work. That or McNab can't tell the forwards apart.
• Nick Holden lays a good lick on Boedker.
• PHX seems to be doing the shoot wide, rebound in front play a ton already.
• Shots 10-7 Colorado so far (just over three minutes left in the first). Not a ton of whistles though.  Game going quick.
• Landy powers his way to the doorstep but can't get the backhand pass to the front of the net. He's totally turning into a skill player.
• Oliver Ekman-Larsson gets a decent look from the wing but fumbles the puck as he leads the rush up the ice.
• Less Evgeni, more pass-y. (Read it again Bob/Dan/C6, you just have a dirty mind).
• An odd VH save from Varly through traffic. Good positional save though.
• Seriously, it's a tomb in the Can tonight.
• Dave Tippett is just ROCKING the Reed Richards hair style. Gonna have to Google his wife during the break and make sure she doesn't look like Jessica Alba.
• Another wide shot-giant rebound, this time all the way to the blueline. I'm pretty sure those boards are juiced.
• End of first. Haynes mentions that there were no penalties in the first. That means we're in for a DELUGE of penalties in the 2nd. Shots 11-9 COL and scoring chances 4-2 COL.
• Rycroft's suit is a thing of fuckin' beauty. Wide pinstripes, yellow shirt, glossy white tie and neon green pocket triangle. He looks like Brian Setzer's vintage chest of drawers threw up on him.
• Rycroft's advice for the Avs after one: shoot higher. He's like a sweaty, thin-lipped Yoda.
• Now we slobber on Mike Smith. Who isn't even playing tonight...
• Pro-tip for the kid in the stands trying to eat popcorn through a replica goalie mask: Don't try it. Like getting anal on the first date, it can't be done.
• The dude doing a shitty Morgan Freeman accent in the Honda Christmas commercial needs to give it up. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!!
• Research update: Tippett's wife (while lovely) does not resemble Jessica Alba.
• The Ron Burgundy Dodge commercials are pretty good. Still wouldn't buy a Dodge though. Speaking of, has anybody really had their mind swayed on a major purchase like a car thanks to a commercial? I mean, I may never buy a Subura due to the mental anguish imparted on me due to the Suba-cool bullshit, but that's not what I'm talking about.
• I like that Julie is now just making statements with a Ron Burgundy-esque question intonation at the end instead of questions. It's almost refreshing and then she asks the "big game" question again.
• Start 2nd - Landy, Radar, MacK to start.
• Good shift by PHX's top line featuring another wide slap-pass.
• Andre Benoit gets a gift breakaway but Greiss takes it on the logo.
• Holden getting into the shoot wide/big rebound club.
• Barrie TO behind the net, Mitchell breaks up pass.
• Then he puckhandles the biscuit out of the zone.
• Wearing out the ‘Yotes logo on Greiss seems to be the order of the night.
• And a penalty against PHX as Michael Stone gets tagged for interference on Bordy.
• Yes by all means tell me how horrific the PHX PK is. I'm sure that won't backfire AT ALL,
• Nice one-timer from Barrie, but no dice.
• Not of fan of peaches, spinach, Love It or List It, people who don't use turn signals, and Pappy on the point on the PP.
• MacK with a good rebound chance in front, but gets all pad.
• Aaaaaaaaaaand killed.
• Bordy lays a completely legal, textbook hit on Mike Ribeiro and PHX gets fired up with organizational-wide butthurt because he's hurt. It's a contact sport guys. Ribeiro goes to the lockerroom.
• PHX top line out there against SOS line + Mirror Universe.
• Talbot centers one, but it bounces over Matt Duchene's stick.
• Holden hugs/drags down Mikkel Boedker for 2:00 of interference shame.
• Radar drives down the ice on a shorty chance and fights off a check to get something out of pretty much nothing.
• Ribeiro back on the ice.
• Yandle puts a nice backhand pass down low to a net-driving Antoine Vermette on the backside of the play for the first goal of the game.
• Game over according to the Altiboobs.
• I swear Greiss is ducking on some of these shots.
• Long shift in the Avs end as Barrie can't seem to solve David Moss and his new-fangled behind the net offensive play.
• McGinn finally forces the play out of the zone.
• Bordy drives it deep gets a good BH on net but nothing.
• Next shift down the ice and Jeff Halpern's shot shoots off of Varly's left pad and Bordy can't tie up his man, Justin Szwarz, who pots the 2nd PHX goal of the game on the rebound.
• Dutchy line has possession, but no shots.
• While discussing how awesome Vermette and Jason Spezza (??) is on faceoffs, the ‘Boobs completely miss Bordy's 4th goal of the season. Looked like Stone was trying to flick it just past the net when it hit Bordy's leg and bounced off Greiss' leg and into the net. We'll take it.
• No video review on the gift.
• Holden with a blind pass to the point for a turnover.
• Cody McLeod and Co. tied up for a while, barely get it out, right back in and Holden and Barrie both coast back to the goalline and get beat to the puck. Pass out front and OEL hammers one on net, rebound to a wide open Vermette for the tap in. He's apparently playing the role of Avs killer in future sequels.
• ROY IS PISSED. HIDE YOUR VCR's AND PARTITIONS!!!
• I blame the Mrs. She left after the 2nd goal for a shower it's turned into Clown Shoes 2: The Re-Clowning on the ice...
• Hit the fuckin' net Sarich.
• Sloppy line change gives Coyotes possession and then an Avs icing. Some great hockey being played tonight.
• Landy breaks a stick so the d-man ices it.
• Really need to see something from somebody with a nine on their jersey...
• MacKinnon on a strong forecheck gets the puck to the front with a kick, but Greiss covers.
• Need a strong finish here...
• That's more like it Duchene...now finish.
• I don't want to be "that" fan, but do we have to wait a few weeks for a positive pregnancy test on Duchene before he draws a fucking holding or interference penalty on the rush?
• That a way to angle the guy, Talbot! Somebody on that line gives a shit.
• End of 2. 3-1 bad guys, lackluster PP, putrid PK, too much backpedalling and not enough boss mode. Shots 20-18 for PHX.
• Rycroft breaking down the man-on-man breakdowns that lead directly to three goals against. Tags Guenin, Bordeleau, and the unholy trinity of Holden, Cliché, and Barrie.
• They all just look tired. Lots of tripod skating, especially in their own end. If 3 games in 4 nights does this to the team, then we're going to have a LONG final 2/3rds of the season guys and gals.
• I know we're missing a couple of guys (Hejda in particular), but this sure as shit isn't a playoff team with this kind of play.
• Julie interviewing Yandle. He refuses to make eye contact. Be afraid Keith, very afraid.
• Need a solid 20 minutes here or Patty may trade EVERYBODY.
• Begin 3rd. Altitude says Avs had 2 scoring opportunities that period. I call bullshit.
• Duchene can't get it to go.
• Next shift down Vermette hooks Big Meat.
• Passing like ass. Johnson DEEP in the zone. Paul Stastny finally gets the puck to Radar who gets a shot, right into Greiss' chesticles.
• That's two clears by OEL. And an offsides on Pappy.
• I know why this team sucks: they're still playing Nickelback in the arena. Case closed.
• Well, that 27th ranked PK has killed another one fans!
• Nobody seems to know how to pass anymore.
• Roy looks like he's about to throw a puppy into a woodchipper.
• Good work behind the net on the gangbang by Guenin.
• Landy works over his countryman, OEL, and they eventually clear.
• Landy gets in the zone, but nothing comes of it. Then an icing.
• Littleton Hawks Hockey Night tonight, you guys. We should dress some of those kids. I bet they aren't as soft as Stastny.
• Seriously guys, shoot the puck over his fucking legs. It's not difficult.
• Balls rides a Klinkhammer off the puck, SoS promptly turns it over.  I feel like there's a movie script in there somewhere but I can't find a substitute for puck that won't require an NC-17 rating.
• Next shift down and Talbot gets in on the logo shooting parade.
• Good shift sees MacK pop Conner Murphy.  He has names tied to two of the seminal sci-fi action flicks of our time.  His parents deserve an award.
• Horrific, blind, cross-the-ice pass from Erik Johnson (I think) results in Duchene taking a hooking penalty in order to save a grade-A scoring chance.
• Cliché leads a shorty rush. It ends like you think it would.
• Varlamov gets across to snag a superball before Yandle can pot the 4th Yotes goal.
• 10 minutes gone in the 3rd.
• Barrie with a soft pass/clear that almost goes back the wrong way.
• But the Avs kill it off allowing only 1 shot. Also known as PHX's only shot of the period. Why should they try? The Avs are content to play this one out. Varly seems to be the only one who gives two squirts. Of course he'll give up a horrific goal now that I've said that.
• Patty is pacing behind the bench chewing ass like bubblegum that never loses its flavor.
• Guenin won a footrace for an icing call.
• Nines line out - lose faceoff.
• Greiss makes a good save on a redirected Barrie point shot.
• Duchene spinning for absolutely no reason.
• MacK gets a shot, but it goes out of play. That may be the first shot in 30 minutes that didn't hit Greiss' pads or chest.
• McGinn tries the wrap, no go.
• Johnson with a sneaky shot through traffic. The puck makes it back to old Edge and he Duchene's his way into the low wing for another logo special.
• I feel like I'm watching one of my beer league team in front of me. I'd go to the bench and they'd ask what I'm seeing out there and I'd say something pithy like "Try sucking less." Because it's difficult to quantify missed passes, poor decisions, poor shooting, and lack of hustle.
• Ohh look, another pad shot!!
• There is zero real intensity in the last 6 minutes here. PHX is just sitting there taking it on the chin but they're gonna get two points out of this game.
• Greiss pulls another miracle save out of his ass after McGinn and Talbot connect on a centering pass.
• Talbot gets a little rubbin of the face for his trouble.
• Johnson gaps up Boedker on a neutral zone turnover created rush.
• Martin Hanzel and Co. get a couple of wrap, bang-bang chances but Varly is there.
• Cory Sarich with a lazy turnover at his own blueline.
• They won't even be able to pull Varly at this rate.
• Duchene clears it, Varly heads off.
• Some good work in the zone, but nothing really quality.
• PHX wins 3-1. Final shots 30-25 Colorado.
•That game contained the same ratio of phlegm and mucus as my head.  For those wondering, that's a pretty high ratio.