It's been a long offseason, but the first must-win night is here as the NHL Draft Lottery...I'm sorry, the Scotiabank NHL Draft Lottery takes place tonight in Toronto. In the lottery, draft officials paint the logos of the 14 non-playoff teams onto the backs of rats and whichever rat eats his way through a 10-gallon drum of peanut butter first, that rat's team is declared a winner. They might use a slightly different method, but I think the overall idea is about the same. The festivities will be broadcast at 8pm eastern on NBC Sports in the US and on TSN in the Great White North. And, in case you're too busy washing your hair at that time, every breathtaking second will be rerun at 9pm on the NHL Network.
In a new exciting twist, all 14 of the shitty teams are eligible to land the first overall pick instead of just the 5 shittiest teams as had been the case in years past. The Avalanche, based on the "strength" of their record, currently hold the 2nd overall pick in the draft. One of three things will happen:
The Avalanche could win the Game of Jones and land the first overall pick. There is an 18.8% chance that this happens.
Or, the Florida Panthers could "win" the lottery. All teams will end up staying in exactly the same spot, and you just wasted 30 minutes of your life. There is a 25% chance of this happening.
Finally, one of the 12 other teams could win the lottery (probably those dickheads in Edmonton). Thankfully, neither the Penguins or the NY Knicks are eligible for this, because either one would have been an automatic winner. It's still 56.2% likely to happen and, if it does, the Avalanche will slide down to the number 3 spot. And, you just wasted 30 minutes of your life.