Deep within the bowels of TD Garden, just before the 2013 NHL trade deadline, Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli was on his iPhone with Jay Feaster. "Thanks," he was saying. "I'm glad we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement on Jerome."
"You bet," Feaster replied. "I'll put in the trade call soon."
Chiarelli hung up and shared the news with someone who would text it to the press almost immediately. Jerome Iginla was coming to the Bruins.
Not an hour later he received another phone call. His face fell, rapidly morphing from shock to anger to depression and finally settling with wrath. "This won't stand," Chiarelli spat as he came as close to slamming the phone as you can do on a cell. It's like slamming a tent flap. After a brief episode of pacing, Chiarelli threw his head back and shouted, "OFFICER!"
The nearest police officer was actually driving by the Gardens at the time and stopped in to check on the call. "Hi Peter," she said, "I'm Officer Barb Brady. What can I do for you?"
"We're taking the Penguins to court," Chiarelli said sourly.
And so they did. Chiarelli sued the ever-loving shit out of Penguins GM Ray Shero. The charges were severe, the possible sentence, serious. Chiarelli v. Shero was a fairly short affair by US legal standards. The proceedings were over as June began. The judge stood up to deliver his verdict on that fateful Friday evening.
"The plaintiff alleges that he did in fact have a deal for Jerome Iginla that was then," he adjusted his glasses and read from the transcript, "'ripped out from under me like a magic carpet at 2000 feet.' Is this true?"
"Yes, your honor," affirmed Chiarelli's legal counsel.
"And the defendant's argument is that that's basically true, but it's all the player's fault?"
"Of course," Shero explained. "Jerome decided not to go to anyone but Pittsburgh despite what his earlier list said."
"Then it is settled," the judge said with the air of finality only a Federal judge can really have. "People of Boston, GET YOUR BROOMS! IT'S SHENANIGANS!"
And that's how the Boston Bruins swept the Pittsburgh Penguins in the Eastern Conference Final, with the series-clinching goal deflecting off the stick of Jerome Iginla.
#5 Los Angeles Kings at #1 Chicago Blackhawks (3-1 CHI)
8:00 Eastern, NBC, CBS, RDS
Yes, another game on proper NBC. Must not have any new episodes of the Voice to air or something.
So it turns out the key to defeating Los Angeles at home is having your 1-D high-stick Jeff Carter in the face in a loss and get suspended for it, lulling the Kings into a false sense of security, and then UNLEASHING THE BICKELL. Man oh man is that guy going to get paid this offseason. Hem, overpaid, sorry, did I say paid? Overpaid. You're looking at Ville Bickell here. Or is it Bryan Leino? I hope he ends up in Calgary for all the money and with a no-move clause forever. Anyway Chicago can end the series on home ice tonight.