Anatomy of a Goal and Top Shelf Crossover

So, no doubt you've read Le Whore's write-up of the Matt Duchene "Monkey Ejection" ™ goal from the Saturday tilt against the Predators of Tennessee. You probably think that you're now mildly more informed on a penalty-killing unit's insufficient efforts to stop the Avalanche powerplay from putting Colorado up by 4 goals in that game. You may have even learned a thing or two about a pinching on a zone entry and yoga positions while being subjected to colorful language. But what you've also been a party to is the attempted murder of one Ryan O`Reilly. The powerplay goal was just a smokescreen you guys! And I've got the proof!

We pick up in the middle of the possession that Mr. Boudior Bouncer so aptly detailed. The aforementioned victim, O'Reilly, has just gotten the puck at the top of the far face-off circle. Witnesses to the incident include O'Reilly's "teammates" Jamie McGinn, Mr. Duchene (the accused), Nick Holden (co-conspirator), and the left leg and arm of Erik Johnson. Also at the scene were Mr.'s Mike Fisher (#12), Gabrielle Gabriel Bourque (#57), Seth Jones (#3), and Victor Bartley (#64) with Devan Dubnyk (#40) in goal. For the record, Mr. Dubnyk has recently finished serving a nickel up-continent at a mental institution for the hockey insane. We currently don't believe that has any bearing on this case.

The victim attempted a pass to a stationary Duchene down in the corner but Bartley got a piece of it sending in flipping into the corner. Perhaps feeling that he now had some measure of ownership to said puck, Bartley followed Mr. Duchene into the corner. You may also recall that by this point Mr.'s McGinn and O'Reilly had penetrated the 'box' while Mr. Holden had attempted to infiltrate the backdoor area (boom, sex reference). This also began a sequence of Holden bouncing back and fourth in the bottom half of the near circle like some deranged 6'-4" ping pong ball.

Due to the unwelcome advances of Bartley during a routine pat-down, Duchene made a sweet, blind backhand pass to O'Reilly who had followed his pass down to the goal-line to continue the 3-man cycle (not meant to be a sex reference).

After receiving said pass, O'Reilly decided to continue down below the goal line to hopefully draw another defender to him, which would likely open up either Duchene or McGinn for a return pass.

And draw a defender he did as Mr. Jones laid down in a non-threatening, prone position to prevent O'Reilly from driving toward the near post. Medical tests are inconclusive, but Mr. Jones may have a form of hockey narcolepsy that compromises his ability to be a viable witness in this case. At the same time, that sneaky bastard Holden sensed an opportunity and turned back toward the net.

Dubnyk was square to the net drive threat and had good post position here, forcing O'Reilly to continue behind the net. Bartley can no longer attest to the location of Mr. Duchene at this time and we do not believe he serves as a creditable alibi either for or as a witness against Mr. Duchene. Mr. Bourque appears to have never seen physical evidence of his presence either.

At this point, it is our contention that Mr. O'Reilly sensed malicious intent from Mr. Holden (who is believed to be one of Mr. Duchene's known associates). He called for aid from Mr. McGinn by attempting to draw McGinn closer via use of a word known to get his attention. Fisher heroically tried to intervene on O'Reilly's behalf, but was unable to prevent the centering pass from getting through.

Here we see Holden attempting to strike the victim with a supposed "shot on goal" gone awry. Clearly, Dubnyk had given Holden ample net area to score in this situation, and given Holden's proximity and angle to the net, it is our contention that the missed shot is clearly directed at O'Reilly. Here's additional forensic evidence:

The targeting reticule is clearly visible in this photo.

As mentioned, the shot missed...

...and ended up in the possession of Mr. Duchene on the other side of the net. Given the absurdity of the angle and Mr. Dubnyk's supposed status as a legitimate goaltending professional, there is no reason to believe that Duchene is attempting to score an ACTUAL goal here. Such claims are preposterous on their face! Nevermind the fact that any rebound given up by the aforementioned goaltender would be in the immediate vicinity of McGinn who has been completely ignored by all parties throughout this sequence. That's neither here nor there!

Plus you can clearly see Duchene's higher-difficulty reticule in this photo.

However, even the most carefully-laid plans can fail in their execution (get it!) when otherwise mundane items interfere. In this case such interference is provided by a 6 foot by 4 foot goal. Luckily, a terrified O'Reilly is spared from a mortal wound by the net.

And as our final piece of evidence, please observe Mr. Duchene's indignant response to having failed to remove his rival. Such body language and lack of remorse is clearly an indication of an individual driven to extraordinary lengths.

That concludes our summary of evidence related to this case. I think we all know who really knows what they know and what you don't know regarding your knowledge. There may or may not be a poll testing your knowledge at some point.