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NHL Tank Race 2015 - Draft Lottery Special

Draft Lottery Special Episode

Good evening and welcome to a special Draft Lottery edition of NHL Tank Race 2015. I'm your host Twiggy. Pierre McGuire will be coming to us from deep within the bowels of the BB&T Center, host to this year's lottery, with an exclusive behind the scenes look. Finally, if time allows, we'll go to Quebec City for an update on the running battle between The 5th Piggie and Quebec or Bust. Let's start with Pierre.

"Thaaank's Twiggy. I brought one of the NHL Tank Race 2015 camera crews down deep below the stands at the BB&T center to get an inside look at how the lottery works. We've fought through monster rats and cockroaches the size of kittens near the concession kitchens and followed the dripping sewer pipes to the lowest level."

Pierre, Twiggy here. Our sound engineer is hearing an odd rhythmic "tock-tick, tock-tick" sound. Hold it, now he's reporting the sound of arguing. Any idea what's going on?

"We're hearing it too. It's coming from just up the corridor where a light is shining through an open door. We're just about there. Chris Pronger???"

"Hey Pierre. Just playing some ping pong with Sid."

"Sidney Crosby? Oh dear god! Is that him on the floor?"

"Yeah, he kind of ran into my elbow. You think he's OK?"

"Oooh, might need some stitches in that lip and maybe a couple of new teeth. How do you elbow someone in ping pong? Hold on a second, Gary Bettman has just entered the room."

"Chris, do you have that box of Flightless Foul balls that I asked for?"

"Yes Mr. Bettman, but Flightless Foul didn't qualify for the lottery."

"That is an answer to a question I did not, and will not, ask. A trade will be announced. Where are they?"

"Sorry Mr. Bettman. They're in the storeroom down the hall next to the palate of Lubricious balls you ordered right after I left Edmonton for Anaheim."

"Best investment the League's ever made. And, here, take these seven Roy's Waldo balls. We can't have them land another franchise player. Seriously, if I ever find out who let that one ball in 2 years ago I'll bleed him dry. MacKinnon in the middle of goddam nowhere... They're the whole reason we created the salary cap, you know."

"Yes, Mr. Bettman. We know. Where do you want them?"

"Just put Roy's balls on the table. Is that Crosby on the floor?"

"Yes, Mr. Bettman."

"DAMMIT PRONGER! NBC will not be happy. Report to the DoPS dungeon on Monday. I think we need an in-person ‘interview.'"

[SILENCE]

"OK. Gary Bettman has left the room, Chris Pronger is curled up in the fetal position and sucking his thumb on top of the ping pong table, Sidney Crosby remains unconscious on the floor surrounded by dozens of ping pong balls with the Buffing the Sword emblem. I think that's all from here. I'm Pierre McGuire. Back to you in the studio."

Thanks Pierre for that amazing look at how the lottery actually works. I doubt there's any worry about the lottery machine breaking this year. I think they fixed it already.

Speaking of the lottery machine, we have Oliver McBland, managing partner from the accounting firm of Dullard, McBland & Bohring to tell us how it all works.

"Good evening Twiggy. The NHL Tank Race 2015 lottery operates on a very simple principle. All the balls are dumped into the top of the machine, here, and they get mixed by these rotating paddles. The ball with the logo of the winning team drops out of the chute here, and we'll read it off. The way the odds are set is by the number of balls each team has. There are a total of 200 ping pong balls in the machine so each represents 0.5% odds of winning. The balls are marked with team logos and the number of balls for each team is based on the finish order in the ground portion of the tank race. They are as follows:

"With 40 balls representing 20% odds we have Buffing the Sword

With 27 balls representing 13.5% odds we have The 5th Piggie

With 23 balls representing 11.5% odds we have Lubricious

With 19 balls representing 9.5% odds we have Forever ‘67

With 17 balls representing 8.5% odds we have Cane Mutiny

With 15 balls representing 7.5% odds we have Lou's Clues

With 13 balls representing 6.5% odds we have Cheesesteak Serenade

With 12 balls representing 6% odds we have THE Lost Italian

With 10 balls representing 5% odds we have Bruce's Deuce

With 7 balls representing 3.5% odds we have Roy's Waldo

With 6 balls representing 3% odds we have Quebec or Bust!

With 5 balls representing 2.5% odds we have Star(bux)

With 4 balls representing 2% odds we have Transportation for the Royal Philharmonic

Finally, with 2 balls representing 1% odds we have Makin' Beer."

OK, we have just a few minutes left until the balls drop into the hopper, and Vic is telling me that Ed has something for us from Quebec City. Ed, what's happening?

"Twiggy, just a few minutes ago a strange green glow appeared in the smoke between the two tanks. Both tanks shut down the smoke generators, and when it cleared, a white haired man in a nicely-tailored suit the color of a tennis ball with a matching tie, royal blue shirt and pocket square, was sitting at a desk in the middle of the battlefield. The chaos of the battle has been replaced with an expectant hush, and heads are starting to appear around wrecked buildings and bridge abutments. Hold on, he's started to speak..."

"...ALL THE PINKOS OUT THERE WHO RIDE BICYCLES. PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE YOU LEFT-WING KOOKS. I KNOW THOSE GUYS WHO WEAR VISORS ARE SWEETIES, BUT THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH. MOST OF THE GUYS WHO WEAR THEM ARE EUROPEANS AND FRENCH GUYS. AND YOU CANNOT HAVE HALF THE LEAGUE WEAR THEM AND HALF NOT. YEAH, HE'S GONE ANYHOW, GOING INTO OVERTIME. GRETZKY, VERGE OF ELIMINATION. SO, WHAT DO WE DO, THEY SAY ‘WHAT DO WE DO?' HOW ABOUT HE GETS HIT WITH DA PUCK? HE GETS HIT WITH DA PUCK, HE'S LAYING ON THE ICE. THE ONLY WAY HE GETS HIT WITH DA PUCK IS IF HIS CHIN WAS ON DA ICE..."

Ed, that sounds like he's speaking nonsense. Why is everyone listening?

"Twiggy, he's speaking in the ancient Hnic dialect. It sounds remarkably like English, but it's a completely different language that's unique to Canada. I had to learn it when I played 4 years in Toronto in order to deal with the media there. I'll see if I can translate."

"Twiggy, Pierre here...

Pierre, really?

"I'm in the basement of the BB&T Center with Mr. Bettman. I wanted to add that Hnic was used during World War II by the British as a coded language, similar to how the Americans used the Navajo ‘code talkers' in the Pacific. Many NHL players who served in Europe participated in the program including former Montreal Canadien..."

"DIE YOU BLOOD SUCKING PARASITES!!! EAT ASPEN!!! AHHHHH!!!!"

It sounds like Doc Emrick has finally caught up with Pierre and Mr. Bettman, and I don't think he has "interview" on his mind. This could get interesting. Pierre? Pierre? Crap. Vic, it sounds like we've lost our feed from BB&T. Can you get it back? While Vic is working on that, let's get back to Ed in Quebec. Ed?"

"OK, I'll summarize what the man in green has said so far. I missed a bit at the beginning. ‘...Tanking is stupid, and you have no right to debase the great game of hockey by losing on purpose in order to secure a higher draft pick. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Yes, the McDavid and Eichel kids look to be generational talents, and Hanafin doesn't look too shabby either, but that's no excuse. Play every game to win. Play hockey the way it was meant to be played. You owe it to the League, the players, and most of all to your fans. These people pay your exceedingly generous salaries for playing a kids game, sometimes going without necessities in order to secure tickets. These people make your lives of luxury possible. It's your duty to always play the game to its highest level.'"

"I NEVER UNDERSTAN DIS. HE'S GOT 11 POWER-PLAY GOALS, NOBODY TOUCHES HIM. HE'S GOT A CANNON. IF HE DOESN'T PUT IT IN, HE TEARS YOUR ANKLES OFF. GET HIM OUT DERE. I SAW A KID I LIKED RIGHT OUT OF DA BLUE. THE UDDER NIGHT I WAS WATCHING PITTSBURGH AND I SAW DIS KID COLBY ARMSTRONG. PITTSBURGH'S GOING NOWHERE. DEY WERE GOING TO LOSE DA GAME AND DIS KID WAS HITTING AND TRYING, BLOCKING SHOTS. HE GETS NAILED AT CENTRE ICE AND BOUNCED RIGHT UP. HE'S PLAYING LIKE IT'S DA SEVENTH GAME OF DA STANLEY CUP. I JUST LOVE IT WHEN I SEE GUTS LIKE DAT..."

"'To the cities of Seattle and Las Vegas, we understand how badly you want a team, but stealing one from another city is classless. You want to be like Denver? ...or Winnipeg? Quebec, Kansas City, you both should know better after having teams taken from you. You know what it feels like, so why would you do it to another city? Expansion is coming. You need to be patient.'"

"DEY BETTER START LISTENING TO DA PEOPLE WHO ARE AT DA GAME AND PAY DA MONEY DAN DA TWITS UPSTAIRS WHO GET IN FOR FREE. YOU PEOPLE DAT ARE AGAINS FIGHTING, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED A YOURSELVES. DA THING DAT MAKES ME LAUGH ABOUT DIS WHOLE THING, IS OUR FAIR PLAY COMMISSION AND OUR PENALTY COMMISSION THEY NEVER... DAT'S VIOLENCE, EVERYBODY ASKS ME ABOUT VIOLENCE. DAT'S VIOLENCE, DAT'S CAREER-ENDING. DAT SHOULD BE PUT OUT OF...BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. HIS DAY IS COMING."

"'The Coyotes and Panthers franchises have brought disgrace to the NHL. You're out chasing the almighty dollar with no regard to your fan bases or to the taxpayers who fund your arenas and subsidize your operations with generous arena management deals. Tippett, Gallant, get your Canadian butts out here and apologize for this mess. Tallon, Maloney, you too. You should be ashamed of yourselves.'"

"Twiggy, the leadership groups from both tanks have stepped out to the desk and are shaking hands. The Quebec civic leaders have walked out from behind a burned out cement mixer and are coming forward. It sounds like they are apologizing to the tank crews for not having two sets of facilities and money bags for both. People from the crowd are apologizing to each other for being less than the Sons and Daughters of the True North they should have been, and for stepping on toes when jumping into shell craters, etc. The man in green looks to be pretending to play piano on his desk. I think things are returning to normal."

Ed, any speculation why he was talking about hockey?

"It might have been a mis-translation on my part. Still, I think that's what he said."

Thank you for staying with this amazing story. I guess the "hockey" thing will be a mystery until next season.

OK Vic says we have our link to the BB&T Center working again. Getting back to the lottery, Mr. McBland has stepped to the hopper containing the ping pong balls and has released the balls into the machine. Paddles are turning, balls are bouncing around. He steps around the machine and opens the gate to the chute. Our winner is...

[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES - PLEASE STAND BY]

God dammit, Vic!

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Previous Episodes

- Episode 1
- Episode 2
- Episode 3
- Episode 4
- Episode 5
- Episode 6
- Episode 7
- Episode 8
- Episode 9
- Episode 10

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