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The Avalanche Hunger Games: The Prelims

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Who will move on from the first set of preliminary rounds? Let's find out in this first edition of The Avalanche Hunger Games

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Welcome to the first ever, Mile High Hockey Avalanche Hunger Games!!!  For those of you who don't know what the Hunger Games is, 24 people go in, 1 comes out, crowned the champion.  It will work a little differently given that the Avs have more than 24 players.  There will be a preliminary round, two sets of 24, and once there are just 12 (or less) survivors, they make it to the finals, so that one member of the Avalanche can be crowned The Champion.

Before we get started I have some more information for you.  The order in which I made the teams was the order the players were listed on generalfanager.com.  This is done using a simulator from https://brantsteele.net/.  Because of that, I cannot control the content, although have altered/censored some due to sensitivity.  That being said, in order to keep this as authentic as possible, some of the writing here is graphic in nature.  I mean, I had to consent that I was 13 years old to perform these simulations!  So, just a fair warning, this article may be graphic in nature.  I, nor do any of us at MHH condone any of the violent acts committed within this hypothetical simulation. Now let's get to the fun!

The first preliminary round formed up with the majority of the NHL roster.

Some background before this starts.  You will see the "Cornucopia" referenced a lot.  That is this big cornucopia-lookin mother fucker that is filled with weapons and goodies.

The Opening:

M.A. Cliche gathers as much food as he can.
Zach Redmond runs away from the Cornucopia.
Freddie Hamilton runs away from the Cornucopia.
Dennis Everberg and Tyson Barrie fight for a bag.  Tyson Barrie gives up and retreats.
Nathan MacKinnon and Gabriel Landeskog both snatch a bottle of alcohol and a rag.
Matt Duchene breaks Alex Tanguay's nose for a basket of bread.
Francois Beauchemin runs away from the Cornucopia.
John Mitchell throws a knife into Carl Soderberg's head.
Nick Holden scares Cody McLeod away from the Cornucopia.
Mikhail Grigorenko and Blake Comeau fight for a bag.  Blake Comeau gives up and retreats.
Brad Stuart grabs a backpack, not realizing it is empty.
Joey Hishon runs away from the Cornucopia.
Jesse Winchester sets Nate Guenin on fire with a molotov.
Patrick Bordeleau takes a sickle from inside the Cornucopia.
Nikita Zadorov runs away from the Cornucopia.
Jarome Iginla finds a bag full of explosives.
Erik Johnson accidentally steps on a landmine.

Author's Commentary: MacK and Landy look like they are throwin a party with that moonshine they just took.  I can't imagine how much it took for Dutchy to break the nose of someone he looked so much up to, and watched so much as a kid.  Fuckin Johnny Malkin goin snipe city.  Stuart gives us another reason why he wasn't worth what he was traded for.  Jesse Winchester did what many of us only wished we could and EJ, come on, man, I hope your defensive awareness is better than your landmine awareness.

The Day:

Alex Tanguay, Patrick Bordeleau, Gabriel Landeskog and Nathan MacKinnon cannot take it anymore and form a blood pact.  
M.A. Cliche and Denis Everberg hunt for tributes.
Mikhail Grigorenko searches for a water source.
Nick Holden sets John Mitchel on fire with a molotov.
Brad Stuart picks flowers.
Nikita Zadorov hunts for other tributes.
Zach Redmond receives fresh food from an unknown sponsor.
Jesse Winchester, Francois Beauchemin, Freddie Hamilton and Tyson Barrie hunt for other tributes. 
Jarome Iginla stabs Cody McLeod in the back with a trident.
Matt Duchene questions his sanity.
Blake Comeau poisons Joey Hishon's drink.  He drinks it and dies.

Author's Commentary: You hate to see Tangs, Bordy, Landy and MacK succumb to the pressure.  Seems like Johnny Malkin's knife throwing skills meant nothing to Holden's molotov.  BRAD FUCKING STUART.  DURING THE DAY, YOU GRAB AND EMPTY FUCKING BAG.  DURING THE NIGHT.  YOU GO OFF AND PICK FLOWERS?!?!  HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE OH MY GOD.  Alright, I've taken a deep breath, I'm cool.  Iggy has quite the weapon choice, choosing the trident (water) over fire (fuck you fLames).  Dutchy is finally paying the price for destroying an idol of his.  Poor Hish.  Never saw it coming, just like the flying elbow from Brayden McNabb.

The Night:

M.A. Cliche looks at the night sky.  
Brad Stuart quietly hums.
Jarome Iginla is awoken by nightmares.
Nikita Zadorov is unable to start a fire and sleeps without warmth.
Tyson Barrie silently snaps Nick Holden's neck. 
Jesse Winchester convinces Zach Redmond to snuggle with him.
Matt Duchene and Mikhail Grigorenko huddle for warmth.
Freddie Hamilton screams for help.
Dennis Everberg sees a fire and stays hidden.
Francois Beauchemin thinks about home.
Blake Comeau looks at the night sky.

Author's Commentary: HOLY FUCKING SHIT BRAD STUART.  I CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.  NOW YOU ARE HUMMING HOLY FUCK I AM LIVID.  GOD DAMNIT.  My rage is calmed by the cute love story of Jesse Winchester and Zach Redmond.  Apparently Barrie and Mitchell were besties, as Barrie goes all covert on Holden.  It was a quiet night.  We are approaching our twelve that will make it to the next round.

The Next Day:

Jesse Winchester sets an explosive off, killing M.A. Cliche, Dennis Everberg, Mikhail Grigorenko and Francois Beauchemin.
Matt Duchene sprains his ankle while running away from Zach Redmond.
Brad Stuart practices his archery.
Nikita Zadorov and Jarome Iginla hunt for tributes.  
Blake Comeau, Tyson Barrie and Freddie Hamilton hunt for other tributes.

Author's Commentary: Welp.  Winchester just secured his spot in the bottom six.  My god he went ape shit.  And with Redmond chasing Dutchy, Winchester and Redmond may be the couple from hell.  Also, thanks, Jesse for not making our numbers work, for fucks sake.  BRAD STUART DID SOMETHING THAT WAS AT LEAST RELEVANT EVERYONE.  HOLY SHIT.  LOOK AT IT, HE PRACTICED HIS ARCHERY.  HE HAS YET TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE.  MY GOD WHAT IS HE DOING AND HOW IS HE SURVIVING?!?!

To recap:

Join us next week as the goalies and prospects go at it to qualify for the other twelve, which will go into the finals where the winner will be crowned the Avs Champion.