Dear Colorado Avalanche,
It’s me again. Last year, I wrote you asking for a victory in Carolina because it’s the one hockey game I attend a year, and it really sucks watching my team lose. You lost. Just like you’ve done every time you’ve come to Carolina since 2008.
I’m not here to ask you for a victory on Friday night when you return to Carolina. I’m not going to waste the one good sports thing that may happen to me in 2017 on a meaningless victory. All I ask is that you score a goal. Just one. It can happen in the first minute or the final minute. It makes no difference to me. I just want something to celebrate in my burgundy and blue jersey. I know it’s a meaningless celebration. That you’ll likely still lose the game and this season full of misery will continue. That the hundreds of Hurricanes fans that show up will be laughing at me on the inside as I pump my fist and cheer. “He knows he’s rooting for the worst team in the shootout era, right?” they will ask themselves. Yes, I do know that.
I don’t even care who scores. Matt Duchene or Gabriel Landeskog scoring would be cool because maybe it will boost their trade value. Nathan MacKinnon scoring would be fine because maybe it will show that he’s not the worst non-Oiler first overall pick (Connor McDavid excluded) since Erik Johnson. It’d be nice Tyson Barrie scored, so maybe he’ll finish the season with more points than Nick Holden. Maybe one of the secondary guys will score their first goal of the season. I’ll even settle for one of the Hurricanes players passing it into their own net. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m not picky. I just want to be able to celebrate one goal.
Asking for a victory would be selfish on my part. I wouldn’t want the team to lose their 12 point cushion that they have on Arizona for the worst team in the league. I actually admire how bad the team is. You ever seen the South Park episode where the boys play baseball, but they hate it, so they try really hard to lose on purpose? Sometimes, it feels like that’s what you guys are doing. But you’re not. And that in itself takes a lot of skill.
So, lose. But at least score. At least give me the opportunity to high-five the two or three other Avalanche fans in attendance. Let us feel good for those thirty seconds before the puck drops again and we have to watch you “play hockey.”
While I have your attention, is there any chance you guys could keep Duchene and Landeskog? I really don’t think they are the problem. It seems to me that guys like Francois Beauchemin, Fedor Tyutin, and, well, pretty much everyone on defense not named Nikita Zadorov are the problem. Also, Jarome Iginla, Carl Soderberg, and, well, pretty much everyone on offense who doesn’t have a “9” on their jersey are the problem.
Maybe keep those guys and then fill out the rest of the roster with waiver pick-ups. Those guys are better than the players you’ve signed over the past couple of seasons. Cheaper, too.
Thanks for reading. I look forward to spending way too much money on alcohol as I wonder why I don’t have anything better to do on a Friday night.